Tuesday, May 31, 2011

just a little off the sides, I'm going for that Retriever Look

ever look at your dog and get jealous?  yeah,  you know life is going pretty good when this thought crosses your mind,  Yikes!   I am usually on my way to work getting ready when I see my two lit'l yorkies all cozy on the couch looking comfy with their button noses. I'm generally standing there in an ill fitting suit struggling to take  inventory of my daily gadgets and wares.  I'm such a spaz in the morning. impossible to keep my head on straight.  In order to minimize the madness  i wrote myself a lit'l jingle to recite whenever i leave a place  wallet keys and phone, wallet keys and phone. simple lyric set to a simple melody but gosh darn it, it works!

wrestling with my jacket while singing my memory tune I manage to look up to two sets of yorkie eyes staring at me from their sleepy slumber,  yeah.....its pretty much that moment when i wish I could lay around w a long shaggy haircut, whining for food and bathroom breaks.  nice simple lifestyle these lit'l domesticated wolves got going for themselves.  spending whole days watchin Price is Right and the Ladies of the View.  does it get any better?  there are some dogs out there that lead quite the fancy life, jet setting around from one dog show to another, constantly being brushed and having their anal glands expressed.   I'm serious about this anal gland scene, this is not some weak attempt at humor.  Anal gland expression is a very necessary component to proper dog grooming, any reputable dog groomer will automatically do this during your dog's visit, although I've never been able to confirm this, I find it difficult subject matter to bring up and ask....."yeah, give em that puppy cut we normally like and no, don't spray that perfume on him...he hates it, oh one more thing, can you express Samson's ass, its completely full"   yeah,  I can't envision myself having this convo.  

aaron and i recently while on a road trip decided to pull off the road and into a gas station for a bag of smoked almonds.  After our purchase we came back to the car and were immediately hit with an awkward smell, having experienced this before we knew that samson had just sexed up our Buick.  he like most of us battles anxiety and the thought of being left in a gas station parking lot in the middle of Michigan caused my poor samson to loose control and blow off a lit'l steam.....from his arse.  ughh.  terrible stuff, takes bleach and water to rid of the scent.

show dogs and family pets hopefully get the royal treatment they deserve, unfortunately there are some abused doggies in the world that need rescue, dog fight dogs, junk yard dogs w/ no shade, poodles with those ballerina haircuts.  So i should take my jealously and turn it into something positive, help the dogs out there I would never want to trade places with.  I think I will start today w/ my first Public Service Announcement:    

Pet your puppy. Pet your neighbors puppy.....hell, Pet any ole puppy but NEVER....... whip out your puppy.  
not appropriate. 

Monday, May 30, 2011

Red White Blue equals a lovely Lavender

 over the last 231 years along with the covert and overt operations such as; Grenada, Panama, Mogadishu, and the Balkans you end up with a tally of nearly 1,346,000+ men and women who've given their lives to protect the freedoms and interests of United States of America.

As with most american's, I have been given the day off of work.  Normally I would rise, get showered and dressed; walk the dogs, quickly gather my supplies and make my way to work but today, aaron and I plan to ride bikes, go to the beach and maybe dig a few more holes for our garden project.  WHY? because we as a nation are celebrating the service men and women who given their lives for our country, The United States of America.

The weather happens to be amazing today; Chicago has perfect sun and is gearing up for an 85 degrees. In honor of service men and women, Aaron and I will do what most Americans do, BBQ, Beach and Beans. We don't have plans to visit a cemetery, I may turn on the national broadcast of Obama laying a wreath down backed up by the sounds from a US Military Band.  As i sit and think about what these soldiers have given up I am humbled and saddened.  both Aaron and I have family members who have died in battle.  My Grandfather's brother was shot down in World War II and Aaron's sister's brother in law was killed in Iraq during Dessert Storm, both young and very talented men who must've woke up each day dedicated to our fight. I've stared at pictures of both these gentlemen and it brings me to tears, I catch myself thinking about the men they'd be today, the families they could have raised but I stop myself.  I could be sad about the men they could've become but I would be foolish to forget the men they were and the ultimate sacrifice they offered to our country. Their lives were short but their lives were rich and full off honor, both will be in my heart today. 

DADT has been repealed since the last memorial day, I am glad the military and the american public are acknowledging all service men and women and allowing them to serve openly w/ honor.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Its a bird, Its a plane, NO....just a boy w/ a bb gun

warm up the strings and take your seats, ode to my mid life crisis is about to begin.

I recently drove past a police officer who looked several years younger than me. What happened!  This younger generation is creeping up on my shizz. I'm glad this officer didn't have reason to pull me over because I think I would've needed to adjust my attitude if this young whipper snapper started busting my chops

I'm hitting the age where I'm going to need to accept that the young Timmy Johanson's  & Sally Turnover's of the world are taking charge, issuing me tickets, managing my politics, checking my prostate. I am going to have to get over the smell of mama's milk and the dirty sandbox fingernails and accept this. Yes sir Timmy, I apologize, you are absolutely correct for pulling me over and issuing me this ticket.... now go away and wash off your kool aid mustache. 

So my prelude to mid life is in full swing, don't worry it will have an intermission, full bar in the lobby and no waiting for the toilet, I've installed plenty of stalls. My mid life symphony will include flutes & piccolos but I'm not going to drown them out with big horns and drums, No. I'm going to highlight them w/ a nice fluttering solo moment and slowly bring in the heavy beat of the timpani.... Boom. My timpani player will have long angel thin white hair, i'll put a wind machine on him to really show off the beautiful conditioned locks.  Boom. Crash of a few cymbals and then lulled w/ a peaceful hush of strings.

 I am confident that  I'll  get through this crisis. In fact I look forward to the day when the whole world is younger than me and I will get to spew out all sorta things like...."I think Blue-tooth headsets are ridiculous". "Ballet is destroying the feet of our children...stop this madness" or "for god sakes people, do grocery stores have to be the size of football fields, bring back the Ma and pop stores!"

Yeah, those sound like some good dayz to look forward to.  
Happiezz Sundayz Everybodiez! 

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Hall & Oats or Bedroom & Paprika

"Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives"  The tagline to the longest running Soap Opera reminds us not to take each grain for granted, at some point there will be only a few grains of sand left and they too will be slipping through our hands leaving us w/ nothing.  Unfortunately this doesn't apply to the sand that stays in my shoes after a stroll on the beach, cant get rid of the stuff!

Aaron and I just returned from his Grandmothers funeral.  She was a lovely woman who raised 5 boys after imigrating here from Vienna, Austria in 1948.  Her name was Edletrude but went by "Trudy" for short. When sharing her name w/ someone she would reference The Sound of Music tune Edleweiss to encourage a proper pronunciation.  My name is simple, I don't think there are any songs written about it.  I met Trudy a handful of times over the 9 years Aaron and I have been kickin it.  She welcomed me like one of her own and even gave me the lit'l pet name Toby, not sure why but it was all she would call me. I felt embraced by the attention she gave me. I will carry this memory w/ me into my future as a reminder to smile. 

I caught a portion of the movie "Nanny McPhee Returns" during this visit,  it is a children's movie staring Emma Thompson and Maggie Gyllenhaal.  A story about a household of ill behaved children who are driving their poor mother to the brink while she waits for her husband to return from war.  Nanny McPhee is a spiritual godsent w/ a big stick and arrives to the doorstep to whip these children into shape.  She does this by teaching them 5 lessons using her whimsical magic powers:

Lesson #1: stop fighting                                                                  

Lesson #2: share nicely

Lesson #3: help each other

Lesson #4: be brave

Lesson #5: have faith

as the storyline progresses she is able to wrestle these children into submission and manages to complete each lesson.  In one scene the children ask Nanny McPhee about the medals she is wearing on her blouse, she rattles off each one by answering  "courage, kindness, resolve, imagination, enthusiasm & leaps of faith".  I believe she also had a basket weaving medal.  I liked this part of the movie best because I currently don't wear any medals. I may have won a trophy somewhere along the line, Track, Basketball, Music/Theater......never did get that Cub Scout Pine Wood derby medal, got beat by my own brother...JERK!   I have never had anything pinned to my chest that states I am Top Notch! The Bee's Knees, completely Rad!  seeing Nanny's medals made me realize I can pin a medal to my own chest, award it to myself. perhaps a star medal w/ a multi green striped fabric swatch that will represent, Straight Shooter.  awarded for my ambition of keeping it real.  If ever asked, where and whom I received this, I will say from a great authority. I like how Nanny McPhee keeps things simple, it's not necessary to complicate things. Shoot it to me straight, don't spin it, don't cradle it....throw it at me. Until I cry.... then you should just stop and be quiet for god sakes, maybe grab me a tissue and turn on an Elton tune. "Tonight"  would be lovely.

Peace, Pace, & Lurve

Friday, May 27, 2011

Deter Mined or In Spired

There's a 3 legged dog in my neighborhood I generally see on my morning walk to the train. I'm not sure of the back story of this canine, whether it be a blood disease, car accident or a war wound, but I can see that this lit'l pooch seems to be moving along nicely accomplishing all it's daily deeds, I'm quite intimate w/ the bathroom routine of this dog, like clockwork....... ohh my

The poor lit'l guy is missing his front right leg, all of it. There isn't even a stump to decorate. The surgeon took that leg off all the way to the pit. I wonder if removing an arm would essentially be removing one's armpit as well.  I think an arm and pit go hand in hand, one being necessary for the other to exist... Hmmm.

This canine reminded me to be determined with the activities I choose, for me determination comes when I'm excited and focused on a attainable goal. I'm glad this dog is in my life. A handicap dog who probably doesn't even realize his front right leg is missing, they say humans who have lost an appendage  have strong sense memory of their missing limb, they call it Phantom Limb. I imagine that this dog is perfectly content with itself, no self doubt, no insecurity, just happy to be on a walk with his master.

I'm so fortunate to have all my limbs, I almost lost a pinkie last year while moving a dumpster. My god, it was terrible. My pinkie got caught between the dumpster and the wall behind it, excruciating as my poor lit'l finger followed the course of the moving dumpster and the wall. I'm healed now, no phantom pinkie for me. I'm so glad that I still have my pinkie even though I barely ever use the thing except for typing.  I think the only letters I use to type w/ my left pinkie are QAZ.  Unless I'm a magical Scrabble genius I don't think those letters are all that necessary. Glove shopping on the other hand might be a bit of a nuisance, should I buy off the rack and let the missing finger flap in the wind or should I sport the extra buck and buy custom Four Finger Gloves? Its a tough call. I think I'd have mine custom made.  one good thing that came out of that incident was the I stopped wearing my pinkie ring. My future as an Italian mob boss is now throw out the window.

Happy Friday Folks.  Happy Memorial Day Weekend!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Don't Rock the Boat, turn on some Polka!

Don't touch me! Get your crazy hands off me!  I'm telling Human Resources, we have a No Touching policy!  If you touch them, you will be FIRED!  Hands Off!  NO!  Don't Touch Me!

I wouldn't say I am a touchy feely person, I actually would prefer people just come in and give me a nice wave, no handshaking, no courtesy hugging, maybe a lit'l jig of sorts.  Maybe that square dancing move called the "Dosey Doe" I learned in elementary school.... about time I put that to good use. 

Now of course w friends and family, we can rub on each other all day, its the stranger action I get phobic of. Aaron is always introducing me to new people, he is in the makeup industry and has amazing networking skills. He knows so many people, he works the phone, he facebooks, he travels. So by default I'm constantly being introduced to new folks, these are all wonderful people. We chat, laugh & cocktail. My concern is at what point do me and this newbie go from stranger to hug buddies?  Was it drink # 2 or #4?  If it's a straight dude can I get some bro hug action or do I get the head bob with a finger in the air saying catch yah later. Omgosh!  Its enough to drive me mad. I'm guessing some would tell me to relax or as my friend Missy would say "stay frosty". Ok, I'll keep it together, Ill stay back and let the moment reveil itself to me.  If lips come my way, I'll pucker up.  If someone throws double arms in the air, I'm going to pull em in and squeeze but I certainly won't encourage the moment, maybe I'll start a drooling habit to curb the opportunity.  Ok.

There is this gay bar in my neighborhood called Touche', it is  leather bar with a reputation of being a tad forward in how guests relate to one another, so in lieu of the name most people refer to it as Touchies. For the record, I have never patronized this establishment, I prefer getting my cocktail on next door at Jackhammer. Yeah, not sure what that name implys.  :)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Einstein me this Sherlock

I could've invented the wheel; I'm sure out of necessity I would figured it out eventually. Too bad I missed my calling, me going down in history as a genius! You can't imagine the frustration of having an inventive mind but constantly being beat to the chase with every idea I come up with! its completely wrong!

Track suits? Yeah! I could've totally thought them up.  Velcro, how could i miss that?  Now computers and cell phones? Nope, I'd have no clue where to begin. I am perfectly content with the old method of communicating w/ someone face to face. I'm actually very phobic of the phone, I get anxiety.  The awkward pauses, the lack of body language, drives me nuts. 

The wheel, yes. A device to make fire, probably, but not matches, I'm not good with chemistry. I probably would've invented gloves, hats, chimneys. I probably could've invented a plow, fly swatter and coffee mug. But the television, nope. Airplane? Never. Camera? Not on your life.

I'm so happy there are people in this world that can handle this type of thought because if it were left to me, I'm afraid we'd all still be walking around looking like Fred Flintstone.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Big Brother!..more like Dr Evil

I was watching Operation Bin Laden recently and was frozen to the tube. It amazed me the time, effort and resources it took to capture this guy. Ten Years!  Omgoodness.  I can't imagine being on the run for Ten Years. Bin Laden laying low, flying under the radar, constantly ordering take out. 

He lived in a fenced in compound with a 10 foot high cement wall with razor wire. Instead of leaving his garbage at the curb for pick up he burned it. He had access to television but did not have internet access. Essentially a prisoner in his own home. The US. government happened to stumble across this compound and immediately was suspicious. All signs pointed to a Bin Laden strong hold. Using technology, the government began surveillance. They used satellites to shoot footage from Space!  They were able to zoom down on a man who would take walks but not participate in  household chores. Seems Bin Laden didn't like to get his hands dirty, would rather pace and meditate.  

If I was holed up for Ten years I'd start some kind of hobby, maybe deco-page, I hear Rosie O'Donnell is an obsessed deco-pager. I'm surprised Bin Laden didn't grow a garden or at least finger paint.  I'm sure on his walks he was contemplating the past, present and future. I wonder if he ever experienced self doubt and was like... "Damn it Osama, why the hell did you declare war on the west, I should've just joined the family business and built that dream home on the Mediterranean like I was supposed to....stupid! I'm so stupid" I'm told he had a girlfriend who was also killed that same night, I suspect she was a source of comfort on these low days.

In order for President Obama to give the go ahead on this mission, he needed more certainty of Osama's presence. So in addition to the satellites, the government whipped out a laser beam that can listen to conversations from over a block away. What this clever laser does is, it measures the vibrations on the glass  window panes and translate the vibrations into speech.  WHAT!  That was all I needed to hear. That completely freaks me out, I knew big brother was strong but I had know idea he was Bionic. Hey I'm all for catching the bad guy and I am happy Bin Laden is no longer walking around in his zen garden but this new technology has me concerned. It is too much power for people to have, its like the whole Lord of the Rings and the "my precious" business. One can not let go of and eventually, like Murphys Law, "anything that can go wrong will go wrong."

I hope I'm never under surveillance,  hopefully my motto of straighten up and fly right will keep me on solid ground. I don't need to be awoken in my sleep, I sleep in my underwear for gods sake 

Monday, May 23, 2011

Stevie Nicks her Finger, whats the fuss about?

I just watched a family of Cartoon Bears try to sell me toilet paper, the toilet paper company is Charmin.   I think the cartoon bears on my television selling me my bum products are effective. This whole family of cartoon bears demonstrating the quality tissue and how it doesn't leave traces behind on their lovable fur, can you imagine if these were live actors trying to drive this same point home, yuck!  I have seen toilet paper commercials with live people but they are usually in lab coats pouring beakers of blue solution onto the paper demonstrating strength and absorbency, for me, I prefer the ass wiping bears.

I think this proves that Cartoons or "graphic characters" aren't just for kids. We adults actually embrace these devices to understand and accept many different situations. Uncle Sam for example, a figure that intimidates and encourages us to join the army. Ronald McDonald, smokey the bear, Pillsbury Dough Boy, the Gecko that sells us motor vehicle insurance.  We love throwing our trust behind these fictional characters. We certainly use Real people also, The Maytag guy, the Verizon dude, who I just found out is a big ole queen---"Heaay Gurl!....Can you hear me Now?"

There's the Marlborough Man who got fired because advertising cigarettes is like selling admission to hell.  I can see why a company would rather put their $ behind a cartoon than a human, people are flawed and one way or another we will figure out a way to screw up. Has a cartoon character ever pissed off the public?  I'm sure Micky has ruffled a few feathers along the way...I know people were a lit'l ticked when he embraced Gay Days at the Disney Park. Yup, gays throwing down in the Magic Kingdom.  Come on, its a perfect match.  How could Mickey resist. We got a Princess w/ a Tiara, a Duck who doesn't wear pants and 7 dwarfs that live together whom all respond to nick names like Sleepy, Sneezy, Happy & Dopey.  Yeah.  I'm thinking its a good fit.  Happy Monday Folks!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I'm not into Rapture, I like Hip Hop

So it seems I've been left behind, its probably for the best, I had nothing packed anyway. I'm going to start my day by going out and seeing which of my friends took off w jesus. I think ill also hit Facebook to see if anyone posted on the way up, I'm sure jesus would allow his Rapture selections one last update before they hit the skies. In order to be sure of this Rapture thing, I may just have to get my jehovah on and start knocking on some doors. 

Yah home, anyone home? 

I've got some Heaven bound salt of the Earth people in my life, I'll make sure to check in with them to determine whether this has happened or not, Hell, I could easily just turn on the tv and let CNN report it's findings, I know my Anderson Cooper with shoot it to me straight.

So what to do w/ my first day of hell,  hmmmm I think ill start with brunch. Some eggie type dish, maybe a Benedict. Bloody Mary with a beer chaser. I was joking earlier in the week that after the Ratpure I'm gonna have a better shot at getting a seat on my daily commute, so maybe ill know for sure monday morning.

One final thing... Randy Macho Man Savage died on friday in a terrible car crash. Maybe jesus recruited him to help gather the folks.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Hanky Panky or Double Ply Tissue

Ahhhhh Chew!  Yes, I've been a sneezing drippy mess. I'm so ugly, my eyes red and when I talk I sound like a goose. My allergies must've been working out in the off season cause this year they have come at me with a vengeance.

The thing I've noticed while sneezing & riding the train amongst strangers is that no one around me gives a damn, complete crickets.  I think it is some stranger code. Don't talk to me, don't ask me for money and I won't spit in your face.  Amongst friends, co workers and family I can blow the inner contents of my lung and I most certainly will receive a "bless you" or "god bless you" or "Gesundheit", these are all superstitious comments aiming to curb the presence of demons in my body.  An anti German/Atheist friend of mine who in the presence of a sneezer likes to use the term "Good Gush" for no particular reason other than in her words, "It feels right". I personally don't feel comfortable blessing those around me, I feel like one should get a certificate or a badge before they have that power. I use the term salute,  I like the sound of it, rolls easily off the tongue and I don't have to involve God Almighty. I think you can also use the word salute before you toss back a shot of tequila, gotta love a versatile word.

Whenever I'm on a train and someone sitting next to me sneezes, I get anxiety. I stay silent wanting to say something but don't. I'm torn. I don't want to have a conversation about some strangers body functions, it feels too personal to me.  People share body functions around me all the time and I clearly don't comment when someone plays a perfect pitch version of Taps from their arse! I have no concern that this individual is  exercising a demon out the backside.  

I realize I've got to loosen up around strangers, I think it goes back to when I was a child when and told never talk to strangers. NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS!  I took this to heart. Remember that Different Strokes episode where Arnold and his friend Dudley are asked to pose nude for a creepy stranger? That crazy shiz scared me. My gawd.  We need to be careful w/ the youngsters out there, this heavy stuff sticks with them---easy does it folks. Damn. I think after 35 years, I'm ready to lower the guard a bit, I'm gonna relax and take a note from Diva Mika----because I can out crazy anyone and me best RELAX!

Friday, May 20, 2011

shoelaces in my spaghetti

I think my computer is a Redneck. I was writing a snarky comment today, making a generalization when I realized that my computer auto-corrected the word NASCAR for me. WHAT! I immediately paused and drew concern. How does my computer know squat about NASCAR?  It was my impression that computers don't comment on proper nouns like names of people or places. In order to clear this up I conducted a test to see if my computer recognizes more liberal activities like Ru Paul's Drag Race or Randy Jacksons ABDC. (Americas best dance crew).....and the verdict is a big ole  NOPE!  not a clue from this computer. mmmm hmmm!

I am so far removed from the sport of NASCAR, I didn't even know how to spell it.  I think what killz me about this lit'l auto correct situation is that just a night before, I was battling my computer trying to come up with the correct spelling of thorough. Omg, I tried every which way, doing the best I could to sound out the damn word but computer and me were not clicking. I ended up having to ask aaron how to spell it, he rattled it off like the pledge of alligiance, like it was nothing.  I think as we become more and more keyed into our devices we need to become more and more aware of who is plugging the information into them.  We get so attached to our lit'l devices because they make our lives so much easier, they feed us information and lead us to the next best thing. We forget that this information is filtered through the mind of a programmer, some high paid computer programmer making assumptions and creating the agenda on how we maneuver through life.

so my computer knows about NASCAR, ok but it better have my back the next time I try to spell lollopallooza.  Yeah, I thought so... Cause its actually spelled Lollapalooza.  Stupid Redneck Computer! Get Bent!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

pardon me, can you please pass the Gsa Gsa

Gaga wears meat. Gaga's in an Egg. Gaga has nuts n berries & a clamshell. What is going on?  do you ever think we will run out of ideas that shock us? 

My absolute favorite musical is Gypsy. There is a song in it called "You Gotta  have a gimmick". This song is sung by a trumpet playing stripper w/ a standing set in a ole Vaudeville theatre. So the idea of snatching your audience is nothing new, it has existed for a long time.  The trumpet has been passed along through the years and now it is Lady Gaga's job to bring it home and by Gawd she's done it again.  This time on the coveted American Idol stage, yes but this time she was discreet and sneaky. It was only later revealed,  that Gaga came out in a platform heal made with crystal manparts in lieu of a traditional 6 in spike. She managed to coach through the 4 contestants w/ Kabuki style make up while shuffling around a piano in dildo boots. What!  Thats awesome! Part of me wishes to thank Gaga for not going to the extreme by strutting around in anything bigger than a 6 incher.  It nice to know that even Gaga has reasonable expectations.

So shock and awe will never die, it is up to us to push the envelop.  Yeah, we can get mad, roll our eyes, but Gaga and those before her are important, they aren't destroying anything. It is necessary that we get pissed, it is important that we get offended. This makes us live, this makes us Move. Rah Rah Gaga. I suggest  for your next move you do a Ghandi / Rainbow Brite mashup, toss in a coat made of Tampons and BAM! your on the way to offending a whole new sea of people.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Up up and away....oh lord there goes my shorts

Jesus and Mary Magdalene are Back!  I read on Huffington Post that a couple from Australia, a man & wife are claiming to be Jesus and Mary Magdalene incarnate.  They are holding church, taking offering and preaching the word. Yee Haw!

"There's probably a million people who say they're Jesus and most of them are in asylums. But one of us has to be. How do I know I am? Because I remember everything about my life." 

"I certainly don't want to be Jesus, it's just who I am. Who wants to be Jesus?"

I found that lots of people think they are Jesus.  Try it your self, type in "Man claims to be Jesus"  you will get all kinds of Jesus's out there.  Black Jesus, Chinese Jesus, Siberian Jesus, Naked Jesus, Criminal Jesus.  For God's Sake! how do we know which one is real!  Here in Chicago a few years ago there was this dude who would walk downtown carrying a wooden cross all done up like Christ, w/  loin cloth, some fabric over the shoulder, nice tan.  didn't say much, he would just walk w/ a large cross over his shoulder. probably not the real Jesus. OK, that's cool.

If I were to go out an impersonate Jesus, I think I would go for the Wow factor,  Its not like any of these gents have come riding on a White Horse w/ an amazing silk cloak.  Jesus, having just spent the past 2011 years in heaven where harps are made of gold and river beds strewn w/ diamonds, there's gonna be some style rubbin off on him. The Return of JC will definitely have some pizazz.  My first purchase would be a  large white horse, not one of the sad city horses w/ a poop buck attached to its back side. I can't imagine Jesus using a saddle, so I'm gonna be riding this thing bare back. My horse will sparkle and would be trained to bow and shakes it's rump. The paparazzi would snap pictures and all the people will fall to the ground.  

............Actually, I'll probs be the one wrestled to the ground by the Chicago Cops for causing a scene.  I'd get arrested for not having a permit and for the terrible mess my dumb horse made due to lack of poop bucket.  Forget it! I'd be a horrible Jesus.

I like the idea of people thinking they are Jesus,  I like the idea of people going out in the world and talking w/ prostitutes and giving voice to the forgotten ones in our society. I suppose we could let them roam around and try to cure the world. According to scripture Jesus sounded like a peaceful man, nurtured peace and comfort. What's the worse thing these folks could do, attempt walking on water and drown?  Yeah. that'd be bad. hopefully a trained life guard would be close by to save Jesus, a great credit for his/her resume I'd think.  

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Ms. Houston, we have a problem

Crack is whack. Show me the receipts!  Yes, unfortunately our dear whitney, the voice of god has suffered another roadblock as it relates to her chemical dependency issues. I was saddened to hear this news. I of course absolutely enjoyed her talents in the 80's when she was singing

but it was her body guard soundtrack that secured her legendary status. This was her pinnacle.

It wasn't but a few years later we begin to learn of the demons in whits life, she along w/ Bobby Brown begin their co dependency waltz, each fueling and motivating the other and granting each other permission to ignore the world and each others talents while going inward under a chemical haze. Being a sucker for a comeback kid story, I was hoping Whitney would rise out of the ashes and SANG! but, I will have to wait a bit longer. Hopefully this time she is able to achieve victory.

I guess part of my reasons for Whitney’s recovery can be viewed a tad selfish, I mean her voice takes me places.  When she commands the tune "I get so Emotional" Bam! I’m now floating along a stream of marbles w/ Mermaids and leaping frogs. Her voice takes me from Bad Newz Bears to Temptation Teletubby Island instantly w/ her chops; I envision a jet-ski ride, me riding sidesaddle w/ my favorite Teletub.

That would be gas.  I would love to take a bunch of my friends to Teletub Island, bring one of those shoulder type Boom Boxes and just start playing the crud out of some Whitney in a local tavern.  Really stir up the joint.  I’d get a Whitney impersonator, some lights & smoke machine.  The theme of the pub party would be Whitney’s Recovery and how we need her back, We will encourage her to take her rightful place  in line next to the Divas that came before her...  Cher, Barbara, Captain and Tennille! Just a long sparkling dress with her right hand in the air make diva gestures.  THAT’S IT!  Maybe 1 or 2 high notes.  Come on Whitney! We Lurve YOU!

Monday, May 16, 2011

Peter who took from Paul then Raided Mary's closet

they say a handful of nuts are essential to a healthy lifestyle.  I keep several varieties in my cupboard, I eat several handfuls a day

I'm gonna take up running this summer.  i was informed of a shoe store who will sell you a proper runner shoe.  They do this by watching you run.  You get on a treadmill and they examine how your feet hit the surface.  are you a toey person, do you land flat footed, do you roll from the outside of your foot and inward.? I am self conscious enough,  I had no idea the way I run could be any different from anyone else. I thought one foot in front of the other was it.  Guess not.  Another reminder to myself that there is still a lot for me to learn.  

I used to run in high-school, we trained in the summer and competed in the fall.  It was agonizing, I don't particularly enjoy running.  I would have such anxiety when it came to race day.  All runners in their nylon running outfits and spiked running shoes. 5 kilometers of trails, hills, rocks & ravines ahead of us and with the crack of the gunshot we all took flight.  Its very quiet and very rythmic on the trails w/ the other runners, as the crowd falls back in the distance and you pull away from the starting line, you start to focus on the shoes hitting the ground, the breathing of those around you.  The point is to win, to pass all of these runners.  Competition!  The point is to pass and conquer, take each runner one by one without loosing your stamina.  I think this is where the runner's high kicks in but I'm not sure.  This Magical Runner's High that I always hear about.  I never got High!  I just felt pain and frustration.  

I'm hoping that my return to running will be a happy homecoming.  Eliminate the competition and run for myself, for the enjoyment.  maybe I'll get that runner's high I hear people speak of.  I wonder how I will act while on a Runners High,  hope I'm not all crazy.  I tend to be pretty even tempered so i dont imagine I'll be flipping tables or singing Mary Poppins' Spoon full of Sugar over and over again.

It is interesting to think of all the different oddities that make up each of us.  So I run different than my neighbor, FINE!  I probably do a lot of things differently.  Sleep different, Laugh different, eat different.  I think it is important to remember that we each do things differently and we should honor and celebrate these attributes.  So what if I wet my toothbrush brush before and after putting toothpaste on it,  I'm just being thorough Damn it! So what if I sit down in the shower,  its comfortable!  It's like a warm rainfall w/ lots of fragrant soaps and loofah sponges.  The point is that it is OK to Just Be You,  be like Frank  who sings "I did it My Way"  .  There's a champ for yah!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Salsa n Chips or Salsa the Night Away

Sunday Giblets

Should I become Facebook friends w/ my deodorant?  I was watching television the other evening when a commercial for Secret Deodorant came on. "strong enough for a man but made for a women"  Being a man, I've always resented this commercial, seems like this Deodorant is thumbing its nose at me every time this slogan is repeated.  At the end of this ad for sweat repellent we are invited to visit Secret on Facebook, link up and become friends!  Yay, me and my underarm care provider can now be Besties!  We can be Sistuhs!.  I suppose if I continue this process I might as well become friends with Glad who produces my trash bags.  I'm very loyal in this respect.  If we're talking about Detergent, my gut would be to lean on Tide but they are ridiculous w/ their pricing--so I go to the generics. 

I enjoy how our reality is now going digital.  Our friendships and family are all connected through fiber optics; we are talking to people around the world, sharing ideas and expression.  Household products are requesting our loyalty by hooking up w/ us on Facebook.  pretty wild stuff, I can't imagine what the future will bring, I guess I could ask any technology genius and they would know.   perhaps contact lenses that double as a monitor, being able to search the internet by using your mind.  WOW I could become Mr. Roboto.  That would be very convenient and very helpful in my day to day.  I already am face down into my cellphone punching away at the screen waiting for pages to load and give me that information I crave.  I must have Information! I need more Information. I wonder if information overload could be considered an addiction. My current conversations these days generally include me or someone pulling out the cell to look something up.

Google it! Google it!  you are absolutely wrong, Google that Shiz!

so, I've decided I will Not be reaching out to Glad for a Facebook connection.  I'm going to try to limit my FB relationships w/ the human variety.  I suppose if someone's dog had a page I might friend a dog, but I think I'd still have problems w/ that.  its not like the dog is actually posting anything,  just the owner through the guise of their pet.  so, No to dogs also.  I will only be Facebook friends w/ Human Beings.  got to draw that line.

Peace Bingo, Peace Rin Tin Tin & Smell yah Later Lassie

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I just ate Dust ! ...do you have Floss?

I learned to drive on a 1976 El Camino.  It was big, blue and bossy. The El Camino is 1 part car and 1 part truck.  This particular Camino had a massive engine, if I knew anything about mechanics I could throw out words like big block, hemi, straight 8, 450 ponies. Sadly I don't have these chops.  Aaron asked me to check the oil level last week, first time I touched a dip stick in years.  Whoa honey!

I was either a teen or a tween in the summer months staying w/ my grandparents in Navarre just outside Pensacola. My grandmother jean nonchalantly tossed me the Camino keys and instructed me to take the red dirt road. She lived in Florida where red dirt is everywhere, such a pretty color for dirt. Up here in the Midwest we are stuck with the brown variety, typical dirt color. I have no idea where grandmother got the idea to let a pubescent boy w/ a Kirk Cameron hairstyle behind the wheel of this car/truck but I was thrilled.  I took the lesson very seriously and was careful not to alarm her; she was a willful women, strong and full of vigor. We traveled slowly on the red dirt road, stopping occasionally to pick up trash. It was a wonderful afternoon and a permanent memory for me to hold onto.

  At this point of her life she was a non smoker but going back to when I was even younger I remember her leading us through a cave tour or maybe it was a fort, but I remember going through a dark tunnel.  She offered us security by telling us to follow the red glow of her cigarette.  I thought that was such a clever solution.  She was a cool lady. During her life she drove a camero, a 1979 silver Honda civic, a couple of Buicks & a Cadillac.  She was the mother of 4 boys.  Her driving skills through the Ozark mountains could leave most in the dust.  She was Beautiful.

  Btw.  This whole thought process began while I was driving our Buick and I looked down at the speedometer. Out Buick lists 140 mph as the top speed. 140 MPH! What?  I could probably count on one hand the times I've traveled above 100 mph in a car. Why do we build cars that go 140 mph?  That's like giving someone a pot of gold but telling them to store it in the attic and never to touch. Sure you feel pretty good that you have a pot of gold, some street cred I guess, but where's the fun if you can't use it. Doesn't make sense to me. My grandma Jean would scold me for this comment, she is the original Hot Shot Driver.


Friday, May 13, 2011

enrique! .....someone crack a window

Our condo association has approved a landscape project that is aimed to beautify the front of our building. For a modest budget, we have plans to plant a few tall arbors and a row of bushes. In order to control costs, we will be doing the work ourselves. Should be quite the sight, a collective of city folk gettin their hands connected to the earth.  this weekend we are prepping the soil.  I expect we all at some point will be struck with the importance of earth advocacy & being connected with nature, seeing root systems and encouraging growth, my cuticles will be filled with crud but that's ok,  maybe ill wear a rubber glove.

the other night, aaron and I were awoken to gun fire. Not fireworks, Not a back firing Studebaker, but honest to god Gun Shots.  There was a man yelling & also a whelping dog. I got up to look out the window and I saw a man holding a leashed dog in one hand and shooting off a pistol in the other, firing off  3 rounds into the alley. My heart was pounding, aaron hit the ground and scrambled for his cell to call 911. Within 45 seconds the streets filled with cop cars and flash lights. The man w/ the gun returned and had a conversation w/ the police. Seems this gentleman was walking his dog and came face to face with a raccoon the size of mariah careys baby bump... I think she' delivered already so this comparison may no longer apply. 

I guess this gentleman finds it necessary to pack heat on his dog walks,  i've accomplished the same w/ just a pocket full of poop bags.  Firing off 6 rounds at a raccoon at 1239 am?  I wouldn't say the best judgemnent. Its a damn raccoon, sorry it attacked your dog but really? You need to go all Wild West right outside my window? 

The cops came and went, at one point they even put up police tape, I was waiting for them to do a whole raccoon chalk outline but I'm not even sure the raccoon is dead, it may have gotten away with a few bullets still lodged inside. A raccoon with that kind of street cred would certainly rule, it'd certainly rival pop rapper 50 cent dyNasty. 

Aaron eventually got up off the ground and we both went to bed after realizing our hysteria was all bout a man raccoon dispute.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Would a parasol be too much?

Fuhn in the suhn!  I am happy to report that Chicago has seen it's first glimpse of summer and can I tell you "how sweet it is, to be in love w/ you" 

Its as if I've entered a Wonka Land of sorts, surrounded by shimmery sparkling people w/ all their body parts showing.  I don't think I've seen a strangers legs in 6 months.  I feel reborn and dewy, I feel as if my fresh skin is being fanned by the wings of a 1000 angels.  Waking up to sun completely affects my mood, I am a changed man.  Btw the way, I might downgrade my wing flapping angels to 10,  I'm thinking the velocity of 1000 Angels would blow me into next week,  plus all the chatter amongst themselves.  I do better in small groups.

  Beach bag season is catching up to us, get prepared and get those burn creams ready.  My partner aaron is already sporting a facial burn just from sitting on a park bench during a visit to the zoo. Poor guy, but he'll be ok,  he's got a product for everything. You wouldn't believe how many different creams he has. He's got eye cream, face cream, body cream, cuticle cream and a leave in tacky hair cream, but before you Cream up you've got to Clean up, so he's got products that clean, that scour, that remove.  He also has a bottle of face liquid that is referred to as a tonic, I slapped a bit on my face and could swear it was just water.  He assures me it is full of nutrients that stimulate my skin prior to moisturizing.

Body, Soul & Home.  Aaron is just a thorough w/ our home;  he has a cleaning agent for everything. we're talking, Wood cleaner, stove top cleaner, all purpose cleaner, silver cleaner, window cleaner, toilet bowl cleaner, pet stain cleaner, jewelry cleaner, he even has a spray soution designed for artificial plants, I guess to perk em up and make them look lively.  My aaron has a solution for every body/home/life need.  His remedy for facial burn, a cooling yogurt cream.  nice.