Saturday, April 30, 2011

Freddy's Mercury is Rising---weekend edition

If Joan Jett were writing her hit song I love Rock N Roll today, do ya think she'd change the lyric to

  slide your debt card through the jukebox baby


  shove another dollar in the jukebox baby


toss a couple quarters in the jukebox baby

  Who knows, her interests may've been completely different in this era, she could've ditched the whole jukebox theme and just wrote a song about playing darts.

I saw Joan Jett this past summer, she kicked arse!  tiny lit'l thang she was.  She wore a black bra w/ spaghetti straps, black leather pants and donned a set of Madonna arms. She was hollering and ripping away at her guitar in the parking lot of a 7-11, no she wasn't homeless w/ a change bucket,  she was headlining for Halsted St. Market Days Festival held every August here in Chicago.  A Giant Gay love-in w/ vendor booths whose wares include  beads, bags, necklaces, dvds & drag queens.  Those poor queens melting in the sun, they keep it together, that's for sure.

"You betta Werk!" "Can I get an Amen!" RuPaul

  It was a great show and a great festival. I thought it was interesting that Joan Jett offered a sign language version of her show to the crowd,.  Joan, being a thoughtful and empathetic artist was able to recognize that some members of her audience were not afforded the sense of hearing, so a sign linguist was hired.

  "never give a damn bout my reputation, your living in the past there's a new generation"    

"Beggin' on my knees
Baby, won't you please
Run your fingers through my hair
Do you wanna touch...yeah
Do you wanna touch....yeah!"

I was amazed at how quickly he could move his hands as he shared her lyrics, give the guy a knife and he'd have a brilliant career working for Benihana.  Fast hands and expressive facial expressions, my only problem was he and Joan didn't coordinate outfits, She was in her Rocker Chick garb and he looked like he walked off the set of Cocoon.  I apologize for the dated reference, as I write more and more I realize my age shines through as I try to connect moments/experience.  I figure screw it!   let it rip!     hit it!

Do you wanna touch yeah! Do you wanna touch yeah!    

Friday, April 29, 2011

I beg your Parton! Give me my Dolly!

"It takes two to make a thing go right
It takes two to make it outta sight
Hit it" Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock

"i'm a people person...i just love people"  WHAT!  i don't understand this expression, i honestly think that people who use this expression are a whole bunch of liars, or at the very least, disingenuous.  i could probably say that i enjoy people from time to time but to say that i love people and label myself a people person, i wouldn't go that far. mainly because i spend a fair amount of time NOT enjoying people.  people's driving, people kicking the back of my seat, people who sing while listening to their I pod, people who misuse the word irony, people who say "you look tired", people who wear Uggz!!  since i am a human being, i think it is best to associate with other human beings, to enjoy and converse with them but to love ALL of them???.erhhmm  no.  NO!!

 the royal wedding has happened.  they seem pretty cool, but i don't understand Prince's balding issues.  Why? He is super duper cute, access to great health care, gilded mirrors in every room and  HE'S THE FUTURE KING of ENGLAND! dude needs a travolta counseling.  Travolta has this amazing silly putty slap on hair line that looks crazy realz.  Travolta!   ole johnny boy's gotta tight grip on his lid fo sho.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

The story of Teka Pee & Teka Poo

i have only taught my dogs a few commands. i figure by keeping this lexicon short and sweet we'll have greater success. so i've introduced some favorites like, sit, roll over, treat, and "shut up damnit!"  these words generally get us seeing eye to eye pretty quick.  on walks in the neighborhood I can be overheard saying "chill out Baxter...chill out!"  Baxter has social anxiety issues, he goes ballistic if he sees another dog, even from a distance. the whites of  his eyes turn black and his teeth start to drip blood, its completely embarrassing.  we've got ourselves a reputation up in hur. you'd think Baxter was a leashed version of Moses, people & dogs clear the sidewalk like the parting of the Red Sea when we come their way.  Underneath this crusty shell, Baxter has a real soft spot, even a sense of humor i'd say.  my dog has mastered this fantastic move, not sure where he got the idea to incorporate gymnastics and potty time but he sure nails it.  and EVERYTIME. He is a dedicated artist. When the #2 tango urge comes,  he choses to perform this while balancing on his 2 front paws.  incredible, but that's not all, for that extra touch he adds a helicopter spin, just spins in circles; its the cutest thing. Aaron and i like to call this maneuver his "cirque Deuce Ole"  haha.  our lit'l clown. 

cirque DEUCE Olay!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

my mood ring is on crack!

does your mood ring spin circles, ala Exorcist style?  do you wake up singin "Oh what a beautiful morning" and by mid afternoon become the Michael Jackson zombie charcter who looks up and says "Go Away!"  yeah?   I certainly travel the whole color wheel of emotion, take a spin and see where i land.  I've heard/read that we are a dish of chemicals, as our levels fluctuate so does our mood.  I am certainly no authority on this, but i can tell you that there are days when I'm skating on rainbows singing to the soundtrack of Xanadu and other days where all I can manage is a off key tune singing back up for Milli Vanilli.  I've tried to make these personalities communicate.  I was standing on an elevated train platform one day, looking at the cars zoom by down below. the sky was blue, fluffy clouds and the warm breeze wrapped around me. I felt amazing, I hadn't won the lottery or cracked Colonel Sanders secret recipe, I just felt good, I felt really really good.  I decided to bookmark this moment and make sure to share this page of life to the stodgy person I knew I would someday become, you know, that person in you who feels like a pile of crap.

I remember watchin an episode of family feud when i was younger and the host Richard Dawson stopped to ask this 90 year old women what the secret to life was...she replied "just do things". Her response hit me hard, WHAT? can it be that simple?  Ole girl broke it down for us real good. 

"Just do things!"  damn.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

The Hills are alive----run Forest---RUHHHN!!!

You deserve a break today!  I've got that poisonous McD's jingle in my head, designed to lure my mind and stomach into their clown haven.  Quick and cheap, colorful and fun.  They certainly are my bathroom of choice when I am on a  road trip, although I am one of those guilty conscious people who feel the need to purchase something whenever I "utilize" someone's facilities.  "I'll take a small soda/fry please", I believe a fair trade.  I'm not here to start bashing this Burger pusher, that Spurlock dude did quite a number on Ronald a few years back w/ the documentary "Super Size Me".  I'm sure he had their ad agency working overtime to reverse their spiraling reputation.

I was chatting w/ a co-worker today about the importance of vacations and "me-moments".  He had just got back from Cabo, Mexico.  yeah!  where the OC Housewive's fire it up-----"WOO HOO!"  His skin was cocao brown and he was still beaming about the gorgeous 90 degree weather-  his IPhone photos looked like a post card; boats, sandy beaches and keg stands.  He said he didn't see a cloud for a week.  Fun in the sun.  He is telling me all of this while we are here in Chicago, 46 degrees wet, w/ a dash of club nasty.  I told someone that I was melancholy today and they looked at me strangely.  I told her that it meant that I felt like the weather, blue and cold.  I then proceeded to do the arm movement from Alicia Silverstone's hit movie "Clueless"  ".....hanging w/ my homies".  Not sure how that arm movement demonstrated my feelings but it felt right.  I'm going to schedule a break today, a break to add to my horizon.  A horizon to wake up to and dream about.  Horseback riding? maybe.  Hiking? definitely not! Full body Massage? oohhh yes pleaze. A game of hot potato? with the right people.

Just a couple more weeks People!  A few short weeks for this mid-western boy to start tasting some sunshine. I will be rising outta bed w/ fresh face every morning & beach bag in hand.  Ohhh yes, I am bringing that beach bag w/ me to work. I will pre-lube and leave a wake of that Hawaiian Tropic scent everywhere I go, that yummy coconut scent. My morning commute will consist of strangers creeping in for a closer whiff.  As the day moves on, I will begin to loosen my tie and visualize the light waves hitting the shore.  The way I figure, if I'm super organized, I can be on a Lake Shore bus heading north to Hollywood Beach and be knee deep in sand by 615pm.  That would leave me with a nice hour and a half of sunshine, the twilight sunshine which is preferred for my skin type; I glow like a pearl underneath its rays.  I'll need a new suit.

Monday, April 25, 2011

WARNING---this blog may cause Seizures

yeah,  English teachers from all around are rounding up, lighting torches, sharpening pitchforks and preparing for my ultimate demise.  Sure....  I use the ..... (dot dot dot) method a lit'l too much.  I put ; wherever I like only because their soo damned cute.  The years I was supposed to learn these skills were supposed to occur in jr. high---7th grade I believe.  I not sure if this happens to most people but I found myself in an outta control classroom.  First day of school we were greeted by a nice enough women---had an Olive Oil frame  (Popeye's girlfriend) and a single white female hairstyle except it was brunette--not fire red.  Second day of school----SHE GONE!  We are told that for personal reasons she will no longer be our 7th grade English teacher.....rumors start to circulate that she had a nervous breakdown but I'm not sure that was the case---however seemed likely, so I went w/ it.  In her place a district substitute was sent---an excitable lady w/ cotton candy hair.  She wore outfits w/ heavy fabric and paisley prints---UNgood.  yes sirsz.  my classmates smelled blood and went in for the attack.  the boys would bring in those grocery store produce bag closures and fling/zip them across the room at each other---others brought pockets of pennies to throw and this poor abused teacher would turn her head to wherever the penny landed, like a comical tennis match....I have to admit it was pretty funny---I also have to admit I threw a penny or two.  I couldn't help it---the room was outta control.  She had lost control; she began to teach to only a couple of students in the the front of the class while the rest of us carried on----she did her best to stay focused on the 2 or 3 good kids but would eventually break and loss her cool---we howled.  we were horrible.  I don't remember how long this lasted--probably a week or so before the school sent us another teacher and THIS LADY was good.  She was REAL good.  Obviously she had been told of our behavior; she must've rehearsed that introduction speech she gave us because it worked.  We went from fright night to strawberry fields in that one paragraph of words she delivered.  I can only remember the last sentence though, probs because it was the most poignant.....there standing in her navy blazer skirt combo w/ white starched collar, raised finger looking at us like felons  " all of you...... are now mine!"   and w/ that sentence we were.  She captured control and eventually lowered the finger.  I believe she taught us English and stuff but I can only remember the time she said she didn't like the female voice on the radio.  I thought that was strange, this strong women going against her own kind.  hmmmm.  I carry a respect for her and also the poor woman we abused.....hell....I respect the nervous breakdown lady.  I hope all of them are doing well these days, I guess I could work the internet fantastic and try to locate them....maybe I should.  I have had a lot of great teachers----Gustafson, Gilbert, Martin, Lau, Walters, Swartz----great peeps and good memories. I can't imagine being a teacher, holding the attention of these youngsters with their sticky hands and odd twitches--I am sure there is joy in it and I am so thankful for them.  I enjoyed those days----wearing my plain pocket denim jeans and drinking those 1/2 pint milk cartons.  kickball at recess, bike locks  & crossing guards. now Crossing guard!   hmmmm that could be cool!---I could do that!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Sunny side up or over Easy?

Hurpy Easterz!  Hope today is full of peace, chocolate & peeps.  Today many families will congregate in celebration of Jesus's 1st day in Heaven---having left an earth that nailed him to a cross and put him in a cave sealed w/ a boulder.  We celebrate by giving Easter baskets to kids and adults filled w/ chocolates, colored eggs and coloring books.  I have made a simple lit'l basket for the neighbor child----I was going to sign it From: Easter Bunny but thought otherwise.... didn't want to freak the parents out and give them anxiety that some kid bandit is watching them.  I am going to sign it FROM: Samson & Baxter instead-----they'll get who it's from and it will be cute.  Little Yorkies giving out presents is cute/funny.  On my walk w/ the boys I saw a Volkswagen Beetle and for some reason I thought that THEY give off an Easter vibe of sorts--perhaps its the egg like shape, the round curves and big round lights.  Wouldn't it be fun if everyone drove Beetles on Easter---all different colors.  I guess if Aaron and I moved to a small enough town we could influence the tradition a bit, maybe if we were truly clever we would open up a Beetle dealership and sell beetles to ALL our neighbors.  Organize parades, drop off easter baskets to the Hospital kids. While I'm at it......I could hiring a brick layer and have him lay me down a yellow brick road;  How furn would that be? Beetle Mania, burning rubber on yellow bricks tossing jellybeans and peeps out the windows at all the local kids.  Take that!  and That!  I wouldn't throw hard, underhand only, I promise.  The dealership would have to offer tons of colors---you wouldn't want to have the same color as your neighbor plus valet would be impossible---the poor fellow would be scratching his head; which of the 4 red Beetles to retrieve?  Reality is somewhat more manageable I guess.  Like every Sunday, Aaron and I will be going out for brunch  ( brunch resos on Easter, tough, ...very tough)  We will be sipping bloody marys and enjoying the company of some dear friends.  I'll probably order an omelet, seems appropriate. Happy Easter everyone---enjoy your day! Jelliez and Belliez---Chocalatz and Salted Nutz! Hip skippity doo-DAH doo--DEE!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

chubbieez bunnieez

If the hit television show Little House on the Prairie were playing ya think we'd all just refer to it as "LHOTP" ?  would we see TMZ reports of cast members throwing down in a Hollywood clurb, strung out, going off on antisemitic tirades.....i mean for sure we would have seen Melissa Gilbert's naughty bits by now....right?.  wow......we've got it soo good these days!  growing up i was a huge fan of "LHOTP"  I swear I watched every episode.  I watched tons and tons of tv.  it was soo good.  i loved watching the Ingalls family. Each day they would wake up---i'm sure they were cold---no heat in that cabin.  Each day they would wake up there would be a new life lesson to learn, a new hardship to conquer, a new way to accessorize their potato sack dresses-----poor girls,  all they needed was one afternoon in an H&M. do you rember Nelly and her dysfunctional family----her hardworking father---the town shopkeeper who sold shoes, twine and latern oil?  He was an honest man who tried to do good by the townspeople but was always sidetracked by his conieving wife who represented greed and dishonesty.  The show's writers really leaned on her to demonstrate the worlds problems, for real.....couldn't they have shared some of that burden w/ the Michael Landon one is that PERFECT.   i think they should redo the show from the perspective of nellys family---A normal yet, faulted & flawed group of people who live next to this Eutopian charade of a family. I want to see camera shots of eye rolling from the townspeople when Michael Landon is seen offering life tips to his daughters while they are chopping/stacking wood for the upcoming winter.... or giggles from passerbys as they witness papa landon teaching bout the circle of life while digging for night crawlers.  yeah...that'd be pretty good.

  i want to share with you a lit'l game i like to play...its called TIME MACHINE!  i'm a super freak for admitting but here it goes. When I'm alone driving my car,  a Big ole Silver Buick LaCrosse---Aaron and I value comfort.  When I'm alone driving my car and the timing is right, i like to sit and pretend i'm from the land of The Prairie,  having just played hop scotch w my pals Laura & Nelly.  With a blink of an eye i pretend that i have just been teleported to this  Buick Lacrosse.  i pretend to freak out!  I even allow myself to drift into another lane as i compose myself and figure out the controls of this ship.  i adjust knobs and begin to marvel at mankind's achievement & technology. i haven't carried this performance out to long, I'm usually distracted by a Rhianna or BlackEyedPea song on the radio.  gimmee some of that BOOM BOOM POW.....BOOM BOOM POW.....people of the wanna get down......lift your HANDS in the air....WILL.I.AM gots the BEAT NOW....dubba dubba dubba dubba dubba dubba dubba dubba.  maybe i should take this game a step further..maybe I should take public transpo....  go downtown, go shopping..take the magical moving stairs and get a fountain soda just by pressing a button.  WOW!    yeah...that could be fun.  i wonder if after awhile start to miss my old world.  start to miss my access to rock candy, taffy and mending my own stockings.  i guess there are areas in this country that continue to live like LHOTP....The Amish..yepz.   perhaps that sect of Mormans...surz. it's nice to know we in America.....have options.  Peace, Lurve & lip smackin!

Friday, April 22, 2011

perception is reality....please do not adjust your set

The longer my scrawny lit'l legs lug this body of mine across the planet Earth, the more i realize that we are all a schizophrenic mess of personality, reason and action. Imagine a grocery store check-out line:  one person w grocery cart in toe..questioning which check out lane to enter.  They begin by counting strangers food items and assessing the speed and skill of the cashier---working out complex mathematical equation in their mind to determine the QUICKEST line. Others value experience over expedience and choose their line by the characters who've chosen before them, ie........ screaming kid hanging out of the cart reaching for a Twix Bar----hmmmm    Probs Nots the Line for me! ..........Oblivious Trixie on a cell phone conversation retelling the sad drawn out drama of loosing her ipod while performing a log roll during her visit to the Indiana Dunes------yeah.... I'm gonna have to say NO on that. OR.....You could be ME---who uses the gut/hope method which more often than not, leaves me in a lane with the chatty cashier and guest who seem to be the best of friends--catching up on gossip, trading recipes and guffawing over the ingredients in today's popular grocery-store items.  After hearing the store clerk's COMPLETE work schedule, their sore legs, and dinner plans, I approach and get a muffled hello and a canned farewell of  "do you need help out to your car?"   WHAT!  can't you be friends w/ me like the person you were just SECONDS ago!  where's the familiarity, tell me Something! Anything!  don't you have a hangnail that's been driving you NUTS!  That whole question of whether I need help out to my car always strikes me-------really?  I just finished helping you bag my groceries because your manager has only hired 1 bagger for 10 lanes, and I'm supposed to believe that you have the man power to help me to my car!  are you serious?  One of these days i would like to say "yes...despite this cart w WHEELS you've provided me and the automatic doors that bid me adieu---Yeah....I'm gonna need some help!, i'm gonna need a lit'l boost in this situation-----gimme a guide, a companion to usher my lame arse to my car!" .......ohhhhh gawd........ I shouldn't, I shouldn't. I'm a jerk!.  The gesture is nice; it's nice that they ask.  I am certain that there are occasions where this generosity brings true comfort to a person in a particular situation.  So I'll shut up and bear it......  I'll just continue to master my "ohhh thank you but I'm fine" performance--- till the day comes when I actually could use the help.  Yeah, helz yeahz to the whomp diggz!  Hur me!



Thursday, April 21, 2011

penny for your thoughts......can you break a $100?

saying goes "don't sweat the small stuff, and by the way.....its all small stuff"   yeah........I get it.  i completely agree that we as a human collective need to take it down a notch...need to loosen the hot rollers, wear more comfortable shoes...yepsz indeed. personally i need to stop obsessing about the gentleman sitting next to me on my morning commute who insists on leaning his elbow against my arm while coughing and sniffling.  i really just need to stop sweatin it ..Right?...i just need to RELAX!

My head is a cinder block today...Chicago has been offering up concrete skies and cold wet damp air all week----I'm Freezing!! i am feelin doldrum effects FO SHO!.  i need sun, I need sand and I need a racy tan line.  ohh my goodness...yes sirz.  i think i will start putting together my summer beach bag--- items to include: lotion, sunglasses, blanket, small speaker radio playing Brittany's new album Femme Fatale, flip floppers, a water btl & for good measure....... one of those sand umbrella ella ella eh eh's,  I'm terribly pale and have a translucent skin quality---similar to that of a water guppie. My Gawd! this Beach Blanket Bingo talk has got me feeling better; Mr. glooms mcgee is slipping away and in comes slap happy bernie flash pants "zippity doo DAA"   erhmmm?

Speaking of Gawd....Passover is upon us and Easter is this Sunday.  Good Friday is when Jesus was crucified, entombed in a cave and sealed up with a boulder.  Jesus was laid to rest after the humans crucified him for not being loyal to the government & exercising his god given right of free speech---Mr. Government didn't like this----"show me your papers!".  Mr. Government decided it would be best to wipe this guy off the face of the earth and send him to high heaven; without protest Jesus took these lashings, artfully demonstrated by Mel Gibson and his movie "Passion of the Christ".  after Jesus is proven to be dead by stabbing his ribs with a spear, his body was taken by some prominent Jewish Jesus sympathizers Joseph and Nicodemus. They placed the body in a cave, closed off with a boulder & marked it w/ a wax seal to prevent any disruption. The next day Mary Magdalene and a couple of girlfriends came to the tomb carrying herbs n spices to anoint the body but to their surprise, the boulder had been moved and Jesus was gone.......HE GONE!   He has RISEN!  Jesus's time on earth was now over. His time on the earth was now complete--talk bout taking the weight of the world off your shoulders.  We humans put him through the RINGER!....mel gibson certainly drove this point home.

They say "don't sweat the small stuff"  ahhhh.....yeah........ not sure I would've been the one to whisper that into Jesus's ear had I been there that day.  PEACE, PACE & SHOLEM

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

is that a dye job?

Easter madness is coming up and I haven't even begun how I will pay honor to this yearly tradition. As a child we would buy pastel colored outfits, dye Easter eggs and gnaw on chocolate bunnies.  I've heard that if you start eating the chocolate bunny from the feet up---Your Gay!  and if you start eating from the ears down---Your Straight.  Doesn't Every One start w/ the ears?

hippity hip hop..skippity flop pop! Cute white fuzzy bunnies with cute pink noses, who wear neck ties and old man glasses.  The Easter bunny is great! Carries baskets of painted eggs nestled in soft plastic multi colored shreds of grass.  Skippity flop...hip hop till you don't stop....."Jump around, Jump around, Jump up Jump up and get down.I'll serve your ass like John MacEnroe, If your steps up, I'm smacking the ho. Word to your moms I came to drop bombs. I got more rhymes than the bible's got psalms, and just like the Prodigal Son I've returned!" House of Pain-

I think I'm gonna focus on the Easter bunny ALL WEEK!  He just makes me feel good!  Kind of like mainlining sugar straight into my veins. A white fluffy friend who symbolizes generosity, friendship and good ole fashion hospitality;  hey ya'all...come try my choc rum balls ya'all....ya'all gonna luv em.

btw have ya'all seen the movie Secretariat...what an inspiring pony.  i was flooding in tears when that horse would run.  Run! pretty pony...RUN!  The theme of the movie was the line "let em run HIS race!"  this becomes the theme for all the characters in the film, particularly a dedicated housewife of a successful lawyer who takes over for her fallen father's horse farm to continue the family horse traditon of  horse first! people second; This sensibility leads her onto a path of owning THE GREATEST HORSE THAT EVER LIVED!!! That horse just loved to could push the horse round the track--shooting off starter ammo by the crate and all it wanted to do was RUN!  It being the one and only Secretariat!

I'm thinkin our beloved Easter Bunny should join forces and deliver his basket of treats while riding Secretariat. what'd yah think?  It would be be double fisting the kleenex, tears flowing from every duct!  Yummy baskets of candy, Cadbury eggs & Lit'l Bunny Foo Foo. I'd wash it all down with some fresh hot coffee..pull together my pastel church clothes and make my way to the local Church, where I'd learn bout a man named jesus, a man who gave up his life for my sins...what a solid!  I'd tip my hat and say "Thanks JC".  quick side note: Dear Jesus---I'm loving the red wine, water to wine is brilliant----makes complete sense---but whiskey,  can you give me a lit'l boost here please----I'll meet you halfway---perhaps turning a pitcher of Crystal Lite into a Kentucky Bourbon---I would love the opportunity to nestle down into my couch w/ a 3 finger pour of Jesus Sour Mash.  Happy Easter Ya' al!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

cheer up sad clown

I'm told that April is Suicide Season---in my household we call it Sua Season for short.  The story goes....depressed people carry their sadness through the holidays and into the deep winter but come late march and april---when those DAMN birds start chirping and those PERKY tulips start pushing their way through the soil--our Sua candidate feels a sense of pressure and loss---a complete loss of ability to compete w/ these simple living things & BAM! goes the ax.  Its sad to say or comment on,  I know.  I had a co worker of mine in 2000 commit suicide this time of year---I was a waiter serving food to rich men/women in the Sears Tower, his section was next to mine. He was a happy fellow who would crack jokes and even sing while doing his side-work.  He had a family/wife...he wore glasses.  I liked him, he was vulnerable yet strong.  Prior to his death he had left his job, perhaps a week went by and he returned to where we all normally had lunch and he was telling us about his new management position w/ a meat producer here in the city; he would manage the cuts of meat as they passed by and inform that staff whether they were up to Snuff/par with their duties.  I was happy for his comfort w/ his new job, it would bring him more monies to support his family. I would miss him but I was genuinely happy for him.  Less than a week later I was told that he had committed suicide---sitting in his car w/ a hose from his exhaust pipe that led to his window.  I was immediately broken. A re-trace of previous conversations flowed through my mind, I was looking for a clue or a key that would explain what my co-worker was going through.  I weighed my guilt against every conversation I could remember w/ him---I evaluated and speculated what it was for him to be friends w/ me.  My company brought in a grief counselor for all of us to talk to, that was when I first heard of April being a suicide month.  I was told this was a disease and not to blame the individual but to see them as a victim.  I remember hearing an older fellow in  the restaurant hallway saying "that son of a bitch...leaving a wife and family".  I went to the funeral, open casket.  A young man of mid 30' I left the casket I handed his grieving wife an envelop that contained a $20 bill---she thanked me as her children sat next to her.  $20 BUCKS!!!  I felt weak at that moment, I could do nothing to help her in that moment.   I have always wished I could have given her more.  I've attached a suicide watch website---a great resource for a sad subject.   I apologize for the morose post but I feel an importance to share---I'm not saying we need to all be on Sua watch w/ our close but i do want to advocate that it is important to be at some peace w/ all the relationships we have in our lives.  Ughhh..again..I apologize for the sensitive topic---I'll jazz it up next time----fo show!  Peace & your dog and look your barista in the eye when ordering----all important things for a better world.

Monday, April 18, 2011

What! there's snow outside?

 My dog samson's harness broke while on our morning walk, since he is a pampered pet and hates the snow/rain/slush,  he decided to use this opportunity to turn around and walk home....crossing the street w/o looking both ways.  This left me to start chasing him and begin yelling "Stop...Stop Samson!".  Yeah....pretty good.

Off to work I go w/ no happy tune to whistle.  I heard Gaga's new track "Judas" over the weekend.  Someone leaked it onto the internet.....religious leaders are all upset....I guess the lyric is through the voice of Mary Magdalene.  Gaga is also wearing latex nun clothes w/ nipple covers of some sort,  that's a good call on Gaga's one should ever see Nun Nipples. 

I'm happy to say that Aaron and I will be attending our 2nd ever Seder this evening w/ friends.  A Jewish tradition held the night before Passover begins.  Our friends manage to pack 18 or so people into their condo and we sit down to a lovely feast....they even offer veggie options.....such nice people.  Scripts are passed out and we all are given an opportunity to read portions of the text.  This consists of religious stories, tales of slavery and lessons to reflect on.  There's no finger one is being cast into hell or shackled & stoned.  Just Aaron and I, drinking our 4 cups of wine each----eating crackers w/ no salt and partaking in some bitter herbs. At some point in the evening all guests are given an opportunity to  announce something they would like to see society do better,  I believe last time I said something about honesty amongst people.......not sure what I'll say this year, I probably should figure this out before I'm sitting there in front of strangers announcing I would like better on-demand features from my cable provider.

so a rough start to my day but hopefully a peaceful end.  Shalom my friends and may the force be with you..........response:   "and also w/ you".

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Flowers in the Sprang!

One of my neighbors up the block has 2 mature Magnolia trees in their side yard, absolutely stunning when in full bloom. This time of year is where I become obsessed w/ the development of these trees.  I just noticed yesterday on my walk w/ Baxter and Samson that the Magnolia buds are forming, my excitement is stirring because I know....that in just 2-3 weeks I will be standing in front of a gorgeous display of feathery white and pink blossoms  (hopefully on a nice sunny morning w/ a few birds chirping---perhaps mixed w/ a few aromatic whiffs off a lilac bush----ahhh hurven on earth) I'm in love w/ flowering trees.  I played farmville earlier this year---completely addicted for a few months.  I didn't plant rows of corn or raise pigs---NO! I spent my life on this planet developing and planting digital flowering trees in beautiful symmetry.   I had a perimeter of orange trees and then planted rows or red/white/pink/purple trees with a lit'l wishing well for kicks, it was lovely....time well spent.  I haven't been back to my lit'l farm in ages, I imagine my utopia is now a shriveled/lifeless mess---probably commanded by a ole witch and a black cat stirring a cauldron of pain and turmoil. I'll never go back to that digital paradise, no.... it would pain me too much.  I want a REAL grove of trees to call my own....doesn't that sound nice?  "Pardon me, don't say another word...follow.....I would like to continue this conversation in my grove"  or  "Meet me in my grove ........I've got something to show you"  or  "god--d*%&$t!! don't pee there------that's my Grove!".  I'd ditch my polyester black pant for a flowing white linen ensemble, I'd start wearing a hairpiece like the one Hannibal Lecter wears in the final scene of Silence of the Lambs.

  I would offer sweet tea to my guests---but NOT in mason jars---I can't stand them!  I don't understand that concept---people think its quaint but its NOT, its hard to get a good grip w/ your lip to the rim.  ugghhh  the worst.  So with acceptable glassware we continue to the shade of the grove where we will find a bench and maybe a koi pond..... why the hell not, we could all use a bit more serenity....but no making penny wishes in this pond---that copper can be Lethal!  I will hold quaint conversations amongst the flowering beauty--- maybe I'll install some outdoor speakers--the kind that look like rocks.  I can only listen to chirping birds for so long---got to introduce some Elton to the scene before I loose my mind,  "someone saved my life tonight".  Sounds nice, so lovely---I hope my path leads me there someday.  If not.....I guess I will have to settle creeping on my neighbors yard.....dressed in my traditional black polypants, bald head while building the reputation of neighborhood Lurker!  yeah............ either way....... I'm cool wit it!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

what'd you put in THIS gumbo?

Coffee in my hand and a couple of passed out Yorkies in the other room----Samson & Baxter.  The 2 lit'l hairy beasts that live w/ me and my partner Aaron.  They currently are not allowed to come into the dining room/office due to the brand new area rug we purchased last weekend.  If you're looking for a panic attack just combine dogs and wall to wall carpet----I'm not sure how many times I been on my hands and knees Cinderella style dabbing up potty mistakes.  Samson is a ole salt of 13 years,  he has been w/ me since my college days---where I went, he went......where I slept.....he slept.......what I ingested.....he ingested.  He could probably write a memoir that would rival Keith Richards.  He is kicking pretty good, despite a toothless grin.  I believe he has about 4 teeth left in his mouth.  The day we brought him back from the vet after his numerous extractions his tongue started hanging out, I had no idea this would happen.  I was sad at first because I have this death terror where I'm constantly bracing myself for the inevitable day when he shoots off to dog playtime in the sky.  His hanging tongue reminded me of his age and vulnerability, not to mention his bad hip, but w/ time, the tongue has become a part of his character and it gets him many sympathy points I'm sure----that, and the Glaucoma.....his version of the smokey eye that is so popular these days.  He sounds like a mess, doesn't he?  Despite all of these ailments he has a stubborn no BS personality and always has---he is smart and knows what he likes.  A determined lit'l trigger of a dog.  I'd post a pic but all his photos have those Lazer eyes that all animals seem to have when you photo them.  What's that about?  I'm glad we humans don't have to deal w/ that......can you imagine all of our photographic memories  ie.  graduation/wedding/first communion/santas lap....all w/ Lazer eyes.  We certainly are fortunate in that respect.  Yay--- 1 point for humans!  Adios & Goodbye......  pet your your neighbors dog.....if they bite animal control on their azz!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Inaugural post

My first posting on my first ever blog----Yeah!   arms in the air w/ a solid fist pump of a Yeah! A total Vicki from Housewives Woo Hoo!  this  feels great, this feels exciting.....I'm exhilarated. I hear trumpets/flutes and firecrackers----women whispering in the corner and men chopping wood in the distance......crickets.....crickets...........  Where the hell am I?  What is this crazy dimension where I talk to myself and reflect thought to a sea/stream/pond/puddle/void of listeners/readers?  Its my blog! its my safe/narcissistic zone where I can let loose, let my hair hang low and keystroke lines of thought and long winding trails of happiness-----did someone just say "trail-way to happiness"   ohh my!!!            I decided to name my blog "no rain on my suede"  not sure why or where that title came from.....perhaps it was channeled from the Ole gay great B.Streisand's   "don't rain on my parade"    hmmmm    perhaps I guess.  I do have a lovely duet album of hers stored on my i tunes----gotta love that Dion/Streisand battle track "tell him", but I say NOT----no as it appears, I am not a faithful Barbara fan---no, not indeed.  As for suede, I don't own a stitch or a sliver---I've got some leather shoes/belts, I love that leather store in EVERY suburban mall where when you cross the threshold you begin ingesting leather nose candy at the rate of 1lb/minute----so wonderful.  (pause)    side note: I am currently looking for a leather tote to carry w/ me on a daily basis--nothing flashy, perhaps something w/ quality hardware and a zipper pull that doesn't tarnish. I believe we all have an ingrained respect for leather and an even greater respect for suede-----one certainly does NOT wear these items in the rain.  We must do all we can to NOT expose these items to moisture----they will RUIN---they will be forever lost---tragedy on the highest.  Anyone remember the movie 'Can't buy me Love' where the daughter RUINS her mother's white leather jacket/skirt combo----such horror.  I must have been a single digit lad when I saw that movie and I KNEW that girl was in a world of hurt when she spilled red wine over her own MOTHER'S leather couture!! gasp!  and in order to see her next QuinceaƱera she BETTER find a way to fix this wardrobe malfunction.  So!   with an aimless air I have decided to name the Blog 'no rain on my suede' for whatever that means----perhaps a testament to anxiety/fear/fashion victim or maybe just because it had a nice ring/ting to it.  The mission of this blog is undefined but will always travel along a spine of thoughtfulness, respect/humor and community. Good/Bad/Ugly.  Sexy/Normal/Sincere.  Run/D/MC.   I'm told by friends that a daily post is crucial to a successful blog/dialogue and with that thought I will most certainly try; aimless mutterings come pretty easy for me.  Adios & goodbye----smile at children & also the ole people----they love that s%$T.