Thursday, June 30, 2011

Shrimp on the Barbi or Barbi likes shrimp?

Do people with accents know they have one?

It is blazing summer dayz here in chicago. Fourth of july weekend is nearly upon us and I am so stoked. Aaron and I have plans to go out and visit my sister and her family, which consists of a history teaching football coach hubby a tweenie Justice wearing girlie and a fire red head soccer playin lit'l rascal. They've just moved to a bigger home and have invited us to partake in festivity and fun from their scenic view deck.

A few weeks back aaron and I traveled out to The Great State of Michigan to celebrate his sisters marriage. There was a large gathering afterward of friends and family. We drank, swam, chatted, corned holed, and played a round of horse shoes. 

Horseshoes is a game where from a distance of 35 to 50 feet you attempt to toss a 2 1/2 pound horse shoe towards a metal post in the ground. If you manage to connect with the post it is called A Ringer and you get 3 points. There are other scenarios where if you come close you get a few points ie. touchin the pole  (oh my), or bouncin off the pole  (2x oh my). These rules didn't seem to matter to the game I was playing because I didn't come anywhere close to that damn pole, I was horrible at it. Tossing a horseshoe for me was the equivalent of Sister Nun Cheryl trying on a garter belt, it was just not gonna happen

I picked up a guitar once and felt the same sensation. As much as I wanted to be a rocker dude wailing away at strings I just couldn't fathom getting anything pretty to come out of it. I think as I've grown I have been able to determine what it is that I can & can not do.

  • I'm not ever going to horseshoe again unless it is with a hammer and I'm nailing one to the foot of a horse while sittin on a bale of hay.  Poor horsey
  • I'm never going to learn how to play guitar, maybe a flute, but not a guitar
  • I will never become an IT professional, the computer code is alien to me, where did these computer geniuses come from? 
  • I will never solve the Rubiks Cube, who are these people that can flip flap their way through one in seconds?
  • I will never go running shirtless, I look like ET when Elliot finds him all pale and lying lifeless in a creek.  

I've accepted my life plan w/o these experiences and I'm OK with it, just fine. There's plenty of things I can do like:
  • Yell out Teka Pee and Teka Poo in my neighborhood while walkin my 2 yorkies
  •  Stir up a pitcher of crystal lite in under 2 mins
  • Put a mean set of ponderossa grill marks on aarons steak, got that criss cross action down pat 

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Cloak my Dagger?

  • Stick on mustache?  Check. 
  • Burberry trench coat? Check 
  • Ray Ban sunglasses? Check. 
  • Official Dog the Bounty Hunter pepper spray? Totalz check!

Yeah, I'm a gonna be a private dick! A lurking detective who gathers information and reconnaissance for a paying client. Wives checkin up on their wandering husbands, husbands reigning in their flirtatious wives, however I'm gonna broaden my market. It can't always be about sex, gotta toss in some drugs and rock n roll too!

Potential Client #1

"Hey jimmy, somones been messin w my guitar again. My e chord is sounding like pig in a chicken plucking machine"

Potential Client #2

"Suzanna, I swear the pharmacy is puttin erection pills in my allergy prescription, I'm constantly in heat gurl!"

I like the idea of being a private detective, to go around and gather tid bits of information. I'm at my best when I have an objective or a goal. I'd incorporate a gimmick, put a lit'l trademark on each of my cases. Like using bubbles to distract people in order to get closer or have a wardrobe of hooker disguises and bait my subjects like Chris Hansen in "To Catch a Predator".

Ive never hired a private detective, are they a dying breed?  Or are they just mysterious and quiet, always there, always lurking, there when you need em or when your banging boots w/ someone else's boots.

So Rad!  I wanna be one! 

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

salt n pepa

Pump up the jam
Pump it up
While your feet are stompin'
And the jam is pumpin'
Look at here the crowd is jumpin'
Salt N Pepa 1989

Salt and pepper the spice of life. Found on every table, every diner, every restaurant. These 2 spices are like Bert & Ernie, Lavern & Shirley, Smokey & The Bandit, Hansel & Gretel. You can't separate em, hand in hand like a pair of old lovers. 

How did these two hook up?  Was this a conscious decision or was it just happenstance. What if there was a 3rd table spice out there that could have just as easily fit into our daily habits?   perhaps all spice, thyme, dried basil, maybe Cumin or even cinnamon. I think we tend to pair things up out of convenience. It would be such a chore to holler across the table to ask for 3 seasonings.

"Hey, would you mind passing the salt N pepper N paprika.   I said paprika..... Paprika, you douche bag!  Just pass it already, my chop is gettin cold!!".

the minimum sodium requirement is about 1,500 milligrams (mg) of sodium each day. This is less than 1 teaspoon of table salt. The maximum recommended level of sodium intake is 2,300 mg per day. On average, American men consume between 3,100 and 4,700 mg of sodium per day, while women consume between 2,300 and 3,100 mg -----J. Anderson, L. Young, E. Long and S. Prior--Colorado State University

It is crucial that we have salt in our systems or else we will die. A boy o boy, did mother earth give us a bunch of the stuff.

In the United States there are an estimated 55 trillion metric tons. Since the world uses 240 million tons of salt a year, U.S. reserves alone could sustain our needs for 100,000 years. Si-Salt Institute

So you will never hear anyone talk of the great salt depression, or the price of salt going up.  Pass the salt, throw some over your shoulder and use sparingly, just a teaspoon a day.  THAT'S IT FOLKS! one measly teaspoon.  


Monday, June 27, 2011

magic backwards is cigam

"Do you believe in Magic" The Lovin' Spoonfuls

If I were magic, I would use it so much I'd be exhausted.  

I wonder if a magician after a long day of work is like:

"Look, I realize your mother in law is a handful, but I'm not sawing her in half. I'm tired I just wanna watch tv"

"put the damn doves away, I'm sick of all that coo'ing"

I'd use my magic for everything. Changing the channel, making my dirty dishes disappear, taking the dogs out. I would turn into the laziest magician because there would be no reason to lift a finger

my realistic self tells me that magic is just a tale, a bit of trickery that uses smoke and mirrors, but the whimsical side of me likes to think it may be true. That there are people who walk amongst us that have the ability to turn up the heat on reality and pull us into a wacky worm hole of adventure. Presto chango, peel me a mango. Rabbits outta hats, aces into spades.

There are all types of magicians out there, escape artists, dagger throwers, quick finger card tricks, and grand illustionists

If I had my choice of magician, I'd choose to be an ole school magician w/ a cape and a slicked back hairdo. I'd have a magic wand w a white tip, I'd light peoples wallets on fire and levitate old grandmas in the crowd. I'd tell jokes. I'd fake my death with a underwater stunt gone wrong, the crowd would grow uncomfortable but not for long as I'd ride down the aisle on a palomino horse dressed in rhinestones.

Just some fun and games people! don't cry, don't cry for me Argentina!

"cause I'm a Rhinestone Cowboy" Glen Cambell

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Rainbows Shooting Out of My Pores

"I'm coming out, I want the world to know".
"Upside down, boy you turn me, inside out and round and round" Diana Ross

Chicago Pride Day Parade is today. The one day a year that I can pull out my white tank top that reads. Just be You in rainbow colors. When I bought the shirt I had my choice of other sayings like Top.  Bottom.  Daddy.  Me being the bashful sort, felt more comfortable with the strong, less personal statement.

I love gay pride day. Everyone is happy, drunk and adorned in glitter. People from all over come, there's babies, dogs, tuna wranglers, clam diggers, pillow biters and knobgobblers.  Everyone is welcome and that message must be clear because everyone shows up

It is so nice to be a part of such a diverse group of people. Drag queens melting in the sun, displays of Sexual Freedom. Parents with signs that support their child. GLBT couples pushing strollers, Politicians sitting on vintage Cadillac convertibles.

I clap my hands bloody for all the participants. I am so thankful that each one of them gets to express themselves in such a positive environment. Music and candy fills the air. What would normally be a sidewalk of people passing by with hardly a hello, turns into a congregation of people embracing and smiling at one another. No eye rolling, no fighting, just people gathering to express the best of what they are, to express what it is that makes them happy.

For Gay Pride, I let my Aaron pick a picture. He love's Dom DeLuise.

Gay straight bi trans questioning...ervry body in the house skip a beat and put your hands together.  
Cheer it loud, say it Proud. Live your Moment with no restraint.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Duck and Cover

Once upon a time, there was a little duck. A little duck amongst many other little ducks. In the afternoon they played touch football and licked ice cream cones. For all intent and purposes, this was a traditional duck community.

Then, the little ducks started to change, their voices grew deep, their beaks broke out w acne and all developed pubic hair. What a wild time for these ducks.

Our duck, lets name him Trevor, was also changing but in a different way. He too developed pubes and acne but in addition to all of this, his neck started to grow really really long, his eyes turned deep black and he developed a insane obsession for ballet. He started hallucinating, cutting himself and would throw his mom into walls.  It wasn't pretty. 

All the other ducks began to snicker and tell tales of Trevors lunacy and the abuse towards his mother. A whisper campaign began and the removal of Trevor soon became a foregone conclusion.

What everyone didn't know, including Trevor was he in fact was not a duck! No, Trevor was no more a duck that you or I. Trevor's madness can be explained and soon it would reveal itself.

A certified letter coming from a distant land was carefully placed in Trevors beak. He clumsily opened the envelop without too much harm to it's contents.

Dear Trevor,

You are not a duck, you are a crazed ballerina Swan who can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. Get a grip, stand up tall. I am your father

Darth Vader

A tear found itself in the corner of Trevors eye as he looked up to a crowd of people slow clapping in unison. You see, Darth had been planning this day for quite some time, hired a caterer and a DJ. and also a family counselor for Trevor and his mama. Things were changing, and changing for the better. Darth drove this point home when he concluded the festivity with one short speech...

"Where my bitches at..... I wanna keep this brief. Trevor, I watched you try to be a duck for years and for a while I thought it was hilarious but then you started acting all crazy beatin up your mom and shizz and that was NOT funny. So I threw this party and have drawn the cloak off of your secret. You are a Swan my dear boy, a F@+ckin Beautiful Swan...I love your ass!  Love it"


Friday, June 24, 2011

going up?

"Love in an elevator, livin it up when your going down" Steven Tyler
 "Push the button, keep out the devil" Harold Arlen

"Love shack, funky lit'l shack, wearing next to nothin cause its hot as an oven, the whole town shimmies..... everybody groovin, everybody's movin around and around and around" B-52's

Man, where do I sign up?  I need to go to the love shack, that place sounds amazing.

I'm gonna tempt fate a bit and make the statement. I've never been trapped in an elevator or made love in one for that matter. I think I'm ready though, so if life decides to throw me in a metal box dangling my precious body above 10 stories then so be it, Brang it! Brang it on Life!

If I got caught in an elevator, I'd hope I was trapped with someone who couldn't speak, I think they are called mutes. I've never met a Mute before, I think that would be a fabulous way to spend time, communicating w/ a charade master. I could probably pick up a few good miming tips, like states, types of automobiles, dog breeds, different forms of pasta noodles

Depending on how long I was trapped would determine the type of person I'd want to be trapped with.

5  + hours:           definitely a mute
2 hours:                 a massage artist,
1 hour:                   belly dancer, yodeler
30 mins:           shadow puppet master
5 mins or less:   a throat clearer, just so I had something to complain about afterwards

 "Oh may gawd, are you alright, you being stuck in the elevator must have been horrible".

 "Ahh no big deal, it was just 5 mins, the worst part was the continuous throat clearing I had to listen to, THAT was miserable"

This weekend is Chicago Gay Pride, parties, rainbows, cocktails and fun. Aaron and I are planning to share the moment w a few friends and join in any public chanting we come across. "We're here we're queer, where's my drink".  I think that's how that goes. Or is it "what do we want? Equality. When do we want it?  Now would be nice!!!"

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Loosen the Bone!

Mind suck, brain drain, mental eruption, cranium crunch, haywire, loose wire, smokin eardrums, egg in a frying pan.....any questions?

I was passed an article on technology and its effects on the human mind. It stated that our focus is being directed to all of our gadgets on a continual basis to a point where we are actually rewiring our brains. We are developing shorter attention spans along with quick bursts of thought as we shift from emails to websites to phone calls & facebook. It warns that we are loosing the best of ourselves, our creative thought, our mental clarity and cerebral freedom.

I totally get this. I bounce from work cell to personal cell and always have a watchful eye for that flashing message indicator light. Did someone text, call or email? 

The article suggests dedicating a certain amount of time a day away from these gadgets, a simple 1 hour excursion for personal meditation w no phone, tv, or internet can and will help regain & awaken our natural thoughtful & creative inner being.

Lets Start Now: 

  1. walk on your tippy toes  
  2. try running backwards 
  3. do a crossword puzzle
  4. create a turkey drawing using your hand as a template
  5. start a craft project with macaroni shells
  6. Imagine you have amnesia and look for ways to survive in the environment around you. 

Omgoodness, I think I like this idea. A funny comedian once said bout Fred Flintstone's wife. "Loosen the bone Wilma", suggesting that she let her hair down a relax. So with that, I remind myself to put down the phone, free my mind & loosen my bone.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Riding in the desert on a horse?

Picture of Horse

note from author: my apologies, my picture editor is bonkers--we will all have to use Imagination!

Most Butterflies only live 1 month, however some tropical species live up to 9.  A flash in the Pan! A mere morsel of time for such a darling beautiful creature, makes you wonder why they are even here in the first place.

In the beginning they start out as a slug like worm, they squirm around dodging bird beaks and insect eating creatures. When the moment is right, they spin themselves into a wigwam of saliva excretion and camp out as their wiggly bodies grow antennas and a colorful set of wings.

Amazing transformation these lit'l ones experience. They go from insignificant larvae worm to a fluttering butterfly that brings joy to people of all ages. They certainly stop me dead in my tracks

"Damn it, will you please put a god#+n coaster under neath your....hold on, is that a butterfly?  Ahhhh so beautiful, so peaceful........wait a minute! Why the hell is a butterfly in my house, why is my world falling apart!!! Why me!  Why me! Why me!"

We have a butterfly garden here in Chicago, I imagine they are located in other cities. They are certainly popular. Its an indoor park w benches, plants, trees and streams. Utopia. I don't know how they do it, but there are butterflies in every direction. Black, gold, red, purple, yellow. Fun fancy insects that you don't mind landing on you. Upon entering and leaving the room you must pass through a air chamber that blows you down so the butterflies don't escape.

Cute Butterfly picture, you'd love it

"Hey Barney, can you make sure you give this family of 5 a proper blow down.  They've been eatin lotsa lollipops"

What is the purpose of butterflies? Where in the food chain do they fit in? What horrible creature eats these majestic beauties? a evil doer of some sort I'm certain.

And Why do we call them butterflies?  couldn't we name em Flapperdoos or Ting Ting bugs, where did the Butter portion come from? Probably a Latin word like Buttress Excapaladocious. can't fault English, it's a living, breathing language that is constantly changing, guess we need to roll with it. Pretty soon our standard greeting of "how yah doing?" will simplify to just "Doing?" I would prefer the Native American expression "Hau".  I enjoy the Indian philosophies, one with earth, no waste, war paint & peace pipes, Geronimo! I say give em back the land. Let them run the country, hell! I'll join em by building a Tee Pee and living amongst nature and all the Ting Ting Bugs.

Mr. Genonimo w/ a Gun, so handsome


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Shoo fly into a glue board

Aaron has adopted a retro 80's  prep look for the summer. He bought pastel shorts, light weight sweaters and finished them off with a pair of plaid Ralph Lauren boat shoes. He's looking very dapper, light and summery.

He also bought a couple of pairs of Tom's shoes, the company who provides a pair a shoes for every pair sold to a child in need. Originally the company offered a simple slip on, kind of like the ones worn in the Disney animated feature Aladdin. Aaron opted for their new offering, a full lace up w/ rubber sole.

I caught a whiff of these suckers fresh out of the box, I was in heaven. That new glue scent screamed through my nasal passage like an adrenaline rush. I kept huffing that new glue sensation over and over until aaron walked back into the room, preventing an explanation of why I had his new shoes up my nose.

I imagine it is similar to that new car scent people all rave about, I absolutely love new car smell. My local car wash facility offers a few spritz of new car smell for a $1. I tried it but realized its not the same. Bummer

Am I a Junkie!?  There are several scents out there that I am beginning to enjoy as mid life gets a strangle hold of me. Skunk, gasoline, the under belly of a goat. Its crazy how my scent tastes have changed since I was a kid

I've been told that my nose and ears will continue to grow as I get older, perhaps that's the reason for my ever expanding appreciation of odor. Hopefully before retirement age I will be able to appreciated the odors I come across on my morning commute, this public transit scene I endure every morning smells like the wrong end of a Rhino.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Banana seat w/ some chopped nuts

Summer 2011 is here and I am a happy man for it.  Aaron and I did some tinkering in the garden this weekend, I am still having to dig the dirt from underneath my nails, don't want anyone to think I'm a hillbilly.

I went for a bike ride w my friend Jillian a few weeks ago and wowzers!, 3 days later my ass still felt like ass.

I borrowed the neighbor lady's bike, helmet and all. It was white with the sloping lady bar, never have figured  out why ladies have the drooping frame, if anyone can kick their legs over a high bar its a woman. I don't understand the lady sloping bar, Do the Olympic lady bike riders have sloping bars?  I don't think so. Maybe its a throw back to the day w/ women would ride side saddle.

We love Bananas!

Jillian and I probably rode for a total of ten miles. We went through a sculpture park, rode by a beach and watched a guy rinse his t-shirt in a drinking fountain, Gross!  

My undercarriage took a beating that day, I supposed I will need to gradually work up a tolerance before I can continue to log double digit miles on a bike. 

Its monday, It's raining and I've got lotsa work stuff to accomplish.  Wishing you all well!  I think I'll work the phrase "shiver me timbers" into a dialogue today.  

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Daddy Mia!

check out this grip!

Soul Daddy. Gym daddy, Daddy Long Legs, Father Time, Daddy Warbucks, Sugar Daddies, Big Daddy Kane

For all those Baby Daddies out there ,on this Fathers Day we Salute You---

My dad taught me many valuable lessons to guide my on life path

  1. If its too good to be true, it probably is
  2. if you need to remove a bush from the yard, simply wrap a chain around the base, attach to the back of your van, then pedal to the metal
  3. who needs a robe, we're family

Today lots of dad's are being showered w/ typical dad gift. ie. Golf tee's, tie racks, home brew kits and bacon of the month subscriptions. Tough guy gifts.

My father will receive a phone call w/ my tender voice issuing statements like.

"Yeah, my dog Samson is limping like a horror movie victim and Aaron is debating a new color for the kitchen, have you tried tapioca recently? I've hated the stuff since I was a kid, maybe I should give it another go"

Who's your Daddy

Yeah, quality convo for a quality dad.  Happy Dad Day!

Saturday, June 18, 2011

You Fill Me Up, You Light My Fire

I'm going to incorporate more skipping into my life, I'm hoping it will add a little levity to the days hard pressing issues.

"Rhonda!  this dress code is nutz, I look terrible in red!"   
 " Toby, you need to relax, go for a freakin skip will yah!"

I was also thinking bout painting Hummel figurines as a peaceful mind meditating activity. My pal Angry Lurker has an impressive collection of painted battle figures along w/ a mind full of facts you could fill a doctoral thesis with. Check him out, its like free higher education with no tests.  Love it!

lemme teach ya something!

My third idea is to go to the park with a sack of bread crumbs while donning a pair of Harry Carry glasses to feed some birds. I'd buy a bag of day old bagels and rip em up to pieces, liberally tossing the bits all around in hopes of gathering a massive collection of pigeons. Hundreds upon Hundreds of bagel lovin birdies with me in the middle,  I'd have to wear a light parka, lotsa birdie poo flying around, I'd leave looking like a Jackson Pollock painting, but damn it! I'd sure be relaxed.

Yespz!  Skipping, Hummels and Birdies. All terrific ways to add texture to the day. Screw workin for the weekend, ill take my moment today.


Friday, June 17, 2011

Ratta tat tat, there goes my cat

I got in a staring competition with a raccoon the other night. Dude totally stared me down from a distance of 50 ft underneath the glow of an alley street lamp

Last month, aaron and I had woken to the sound of a man shooting off 6 rounds into the body of a large raccoon, seems the man's dog was being attacked, unfortunately for the masked bandit, this dog walker was sporting a side arm.  

Pop pop pop!

My intense staring contest had me wondering if this ballsy coon was staring me down to prove a point. "We will not be shaken!". "You and your advanced weaponry think your soo superior, go ahead bad boy, you & your manicured lap dogs, take your best shot".

#1 rule in a stare down is to not look away:  but after a solid 15 seconds I got the hibbies jeebies, decided to turn and leave. Stupid raccoon, go eat garbage, I'll leave you alone.

I should propose the idea to Discovery Channel. "Todd's wild kingdom stare down": A program where I go around and initiate stare down contests with different animals. I could stare at monkeys, dolphins, leopards,elephants and see who breaks first. I'd probably have to be attacked a few times just to keep things interesting,  a big swing of a bear claw or getting a good flipper whipping from Dollie the dolphin.  Erhmmm stunt double por favor, ill be in my trailer making nachos. Salute!


Thursday, June 16, 2011

Doe a Deer -- Ride a Pony

Day light come and me wanna go home.  

please mister tally man, tally me banana.

I wish I were a tally man, dude who gets to ride around in a jeep w safari clothes counting bananas and letting people go home, though I'm terrible w numbers and my attention span is that of a gnat w/ indigestion.

 I'm sure tally man has a boss also. Tally man probably has his own song to sing bout going home. 

Ridin in my jeep all day Long! 
Day light come and me wanna go home.  
Countin damn bananas as my crew pick more! 
Day light come and me wanna go home

I tell you, this daily grind can be rough, this journey we find our selves on. There's some poem mantra floating around that is intended to remind us that we should enjoy and respect our lives as they are, not wallow in our pain but acknowledge our riches.

"Don't hate your job because at least you have a job to hate, don't complain about money for at least you have breath to speak your hate. Don't fret the price of gas at least you have a car that needs gas" something like this....I couldn't google it.  DAMN IT! CHRIST!

.....yeah yeah yeah.  How bout. "Don't stop! Keep it moving --- Get your drinks up!"...... Yup Ms J Lo laying it down real good. Who's got problems now?  Not me, jenny from the block has spoken

Its rough everywhere, no matter where you look. Cops, bus drivers, teachers, doctors, window cleaners, choreographers.  We all get 24 hrs a day to live, and no one owns me, every minute is mine. Can I get an amen!  - think I'm gonna turn on some ABBA, those swedes sure looked liked they made the most of their minutes.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

My auto pilot is on strike!

My computer auto corrected the word Elton for me today, I thought that was a nice step forward for the GLBTQ community

He said she said.... it Is what it Is.....One night in Bangkok and the world is your oyster 

...yikes.  I don't think Bangkok and oyster should be in the same sentence. 

I am a man of routine. I have a certain schedule, I do things in a similar order every morning. Brush teeth, shave, wash the pits and then sing a 3 verse version of Jimmy Crack Corn. I'm comforted by my schedule, it allows my mind to drift and explore while being assured that my daily essentials are being covered.

When life changes my schedule I get jittery, confused and a tad upset.  I imagine similar to a bee who comes back to its hive after its been robbed of honey. Do you know how many flower petals it had to rub against its belly for one single drop of that goodness?  Its criminal! No wonder we have those kamikaze bees who fly into your mouth when drinkin a sweet beverage, they're Pissed!

My jitters take awhile to calm, I can hold onto a mood for dayz. I'd like to think I get better with age, to realize the mantra "don't sweat the small stuff, and by the way..... its all small stuff". Yeah, well sometimes the man in my brain who controls my happy chemicals is asleep at the wheel, for realz. Ole Man Sunshine Juice needs to give it up more freely. I see these other people walkin the earth all high on life, farting rainbows, what gives?

Kissing & Jumpin & Meeting & F&%K#N

I could try that martial art routine I see people do in the park, those who walk around in Kung Fu clothes and practice that slow motion technique of Mr. Miyagi's paint the fence and wax the car. They look peaceful when doing this, I'd feel too self conscious to try this, I'd be a puddle of tears the moment a car load of kids came by. "Hey Praying Mantis, go back to your hole, no room here for Judo Bugs!" 

Happy Hump Day Y'all  may your weekend solace find you sweetly

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Wanted: Brick Layer

How much do you think it'd cost to build me a yellow brick road?  million bucks? I'm flexible on the color, hell it could be green & silver for all I care, it just needs to take me to Oz. I've got a few questions to ask a wizard.

1st question:  what happened to pink pistachios?

2nd question:  do live in Butlers ever get to throw parties?

3rd question:  do you know the way to San Jose?

I'd probably also ask em for a 3 finger pour of scotch but I'd hope he wouldn't count that against my wish tally, even a wizard can show some hospitality.

I'd like to visit the land of Oz, with all the little people who can sing in those beautiful harmonies and to be counseled by Glenda, the good witch. She's so pretty w/ that pink taffeta gown and the pink bubble she jets around in. Oz seems like a nice place to live, there's a mayor, a lawyer, lollipop gangsters. I'd bring my dog Baxter w/ me, unfortunately my dear Samson has arthritis in his back legs, those yellow bricks would be hell on his joints.

Me being a solid rule follower, I would have never left the brick road. Stick to the brick Dorothy. Remember when Dorothy got all buzzed in the poppy fields. Fiend! So many of the problems she ran into could've been avoided had she just followed Glenda's rules, silly girl.

My big frustration was at the end when the whole conflict was solved w/ a bucket of water, perhaps Glenda could've clued dorothy in on this witch weakness. If I were a wicked witch, priority #1 would be to get rid of ALL buckets of water, it's not like her castle was made of wood, it was stone for god's sake.

I figure it was Dorothy's journey to figure out all these lessons for herself, Glenda is wise, she was probably sittin back w a pink-tini watching the story unfold kinda like a guardian angel, that's sweet to think.

I attended a christian youth group when I was 18, sat in a circle of chairs. I remember when the leader lady told us the story of the day she threw out her elton john album Yellow Brick Road because it wasn't christ like. I was aghast & frozen.  WHAT! this christian youth group isn't for me, in fact Lady, your lit'l folding chair discussion is for the birds.  I wish I had a bucket of water that day!

Monday, June 13, 2011

My DeLorean needs an oil change

If I could turn back time and put another dime in the juke box, I'd play Cindi Laupers hit Time after Time. She's so unusual!

My DVR is taking over my mind, it has become an extension of myself. I'm in love w/ my rewind feature on this device, whenever watching television and something strikes me, I reach for my remote and hit the "bring it on back" button. My button will rewind at a 15 second interval, usually 1 or 2 pushes will set me up to enjoy a certain tidbit once again. Whether it be eye candy, a funny punch line or that Sarah MaLachlan save the dogs commercial, her accent cracks me up.

This feature is so valuable to me that my instinct to use it is starting to occur in REAL life. There are moments during my real life experience just walking around or hanging w my peeps where I have that reflex to reach for the remote and hit "bring it on back".  WHAT!  Help me out here, am I losing grip, or is this natural?  The convenience of a quick rewind would be so amazing in my daily life.

think I'm gonna love getting older, I gonna embrace these ism's and give myself permission to answer those phantom vibrations I get from my cell phone.  "Hello, is this God calling me.  I normally don't pick up random #'s........ your lucky Big Guy"