Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Crack Breaks Mamma's Back

Do rich people like to play the board game Monopoly or is it too redundant for them?

I haven't played Monopoly in years,
 i remember being stuck in a few games of Monopoly where I was just struggling to pay rent to my fellow players, it was absolutely horrible,  round and round the board just trying to get by, hoping to avoid all the pit falls and challenges that get thrown at you.  What a rat race, no wonder I gave the game up, I don't need that pressure in my life.

Speaking of pressure,  Chicago is in it's initial phases of saying goodbye to Summer 2011.   Beaches, grilling and flip flops will all need to be set aside for 8 months while we endure cold, gloomy, unpredictable scattered weather. I'm going to soup my way through these 8 months, gonna take a note from my favorite QVC host David Venable who hosts a terrific show called In the Kitchen w/ David. i'm gonna crock it up and make a chili, potato leak stew, veggie barley and store portion sizes in my freezer for ready to go microwave magic. This winter isn't going to Bring me down!  (choir sings)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Many Faces of Potato Head

Do you think Wonder Woman had cellulite? If not, do you think it was her super powers preventing the dimples or just good genes? 

Hair, hand, face or body model.......I need to find and identify a body part to capture and make money w/, it's too bad I can't get a good shot of my wise ass.

I'm assuming a full head to toe runway model makes the most money, since they are a collection of all desirable body parts on ONE body.  Wow, what an amazing coincidence for one human to posses. Besides my wise ass, I'm thinkin my path to body modeling would have to be cultivated w/ my collar bone, not sure if there is much demand but hell, why not.  How much do you think I would get if it was determined I had a beautiful collar bone? 

Todd the Collar Bone Model:

  • Macho Chains
  • Hickey Remover
  • Tank Tops
  • Vampire Porn

There must be someone walking this planet w/ the best ass in the world, sure, this person my have a jacked up face, but put them in a pair of bicycle shorts and they start calling all the shots.  I sincerely hope they know who they are. I'd take orders from Best Ass in the World:

Best Ass:

Todd, paint my house!


Sure thing Best Ass! Paint w/ the grain is my game!

Best Ass:

Todd, take my friend Rhonda shopping, girl needs a new body shaper.


Super, will do Best Ass!  Presto Chango Muffin top a Go Go!

I'm pretty sure I don't have the best ass in the world, but maybe I'm onto something w/ my collar bone fantasy.  I could coin myself King Collar bone, I couldn't imagine someone else trying to steal that thunder. I'd start a convention and invite all the other best body parts of the world to a symposium of sorts where we would attempt peace for all mankind. I'd foster an 'all is equal' environment, I wouldn't want Best Ass be to envious of Best Face, can't be having Best Chest take over.  Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes all will get equal billing.  

NO Prima Donnas allowed!  

Monday, August 29, 2011

Coo Coo Couture

I think the person who came up with the coconut bra should not only be commended on form and function but also for a quality sense of humor.

I'm glad coconuts aren't shaped like banana's, otherwise all us dude's would certainly have worn a coconut cod piece at some point in our lives,  coconut splinters are probably tough to remove from a wang.

While I'm on the subject of my nether regions, I want to throw out a nugget of confusion I've had for many years.

I'm not a boxters guy, me and my tally man like to keep it close so i opt for a tighty whitie low rise brief. What has me puzzled is the lit'l bunny foo foo chute that all briefs come with, that easy access sleeve.  Whenever i've used this feature my mc lit'l squirt finds itself fighting for it's life against a Calvin Klein choke hold.  I Say, No thank you!  

whenever the urge to unleash the beast comes, I prefer lit'l me to hop over the waist band like an equestrian stallon w/ it's long flowing mane flapping in the wind. 

A spot of Potty talk to start the week.  Happy Monday ya'll, here's to a magical and wonderful week.    

Saturday, August 27, 2011

These Summer Dog Days

I want to work in a brewery putting on bottle caps just like Laverne & Shirley.

Summer is coming to a fast close, my hoodie's are starting to inch their way closer and closer to the front of my closet.  Aaron and i have a quiet weekend planned, maybe some light yard work and playtime with our dogs samson & baxter.

Our friend Jillian is moving away on sunday to a far off place.  It will be sad to see her leave.  I'm afraid with the combination of emotions, our farewell gathering will resemble more like a laying of the hands ceremony.  We love Miss Jills


Btw I'm writing this on a train sitting next to a fella listening to a comedy album on his head phones....can i tell you how awkward it is sitting next to a silent chuckler, omg. So creepy,  i feel like a character in a horror movie. Trapped in a train surrounded by commuting zombies, who in an instant will come for my brainz

Enjoy the weekend ya'll.  peace love and a lit'l sugar.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Greet the Meat

I've got swine on the mind, and not the pink type that walks on four hooves and says oink! I'm talking bout the kind you find sizzling in the center of a frying pan.  I blame Lady E for this current infatuation.

I had a recent brunch convo that consisted of a theory of why bacon tastes so amazing.  I was told a pig takes 30 days to digest its meal,  during this time the meal is allowed to flow through the pig belly and all the nutrient & toxin is absorbed into the muscle, fat & tissue of the animal.  ahhh that sweet delicious toxin. Since this conversation I have researched and found this information to be completely BOGUS!     I'm devastated, brunch is sacred to me. So in turn I quickly did a search over the ever so trustworthy internet.

  • The meat and fat of a pig absorbs toxins like a sponge. Their meat can be 30 times more toxic than beef or venison.
  • When eating beef or venison, it takes 8 to 9 hours to digest the meat so what little toxins are in the meat are slowly put into our system and can be filtered by the liver. But when pork is eaten, it takes only 4 hours to digest the meat. We thus get a much higher level of toxins within a shorter time.
  • Unlike other mammals, a pig does not sweat or perspire. Perspiration is a means by which toxins are removed from the body. Since a pig does not sweat, the toxins remain within its body and in the meat. Courtesy of

For being just a strip of bacon, it sure does get a lot of fan fare.  I'm a vegetarian, have been for over ten years. It's not something I wear on my sleeve, or something I campaign for, it's just an eating preference. I've often said, if it was difficult, I wouldn't do it.

Being a vegetarian I have found it interesting how often I am having to say "hold the meat".  I've said it so often, one would think I was on a Midwest Bathhouse tour.

Veggie Tales:

The Story of Bloody Mary:  

unknowingly I have downed many a glass of beef broth based Mary from a favorite Brunch spot of mine, I was told this years into my veggie diet.  I couldn't help but think of all the liquefied cows I've sucked through a straw.

Potato Salad Proverb:  

I've always made the claim that I could eat off any menu; with just a lit'l creativity and patience I have been able to enjoy meals by ordering up sides and getting gutsy by asking the waiter for substitutions. One instance I was foiled when a side of potato salad came dressed w/ a drizzle of bacon crumbles, in retrospect this seem fair but who knew I had a chef w/ a loose trigger finger for pig drippings.

meat meat meat balls meat meat meat balls meat meat meat balls

They call Bacon the Granddaddy of all Meat, the piece de resistance, the sacred swine. If I wanted to leave vegetarianism I would choose pig as my Blaze of Glory:

Todd's Meat Come Back Tour:

  • Sloppy Joe's
  • Diner Chicken Fried Steak
  • Beef Stroganoff-----pronounced  "strokemoff"
  • Corn Dog
  • Spiral Cut Ham w/ pineapple rings

That tour is on hold for the moment.......that'll do pig, that'll do. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Born Again Barbie

How come 'Go to Work Barbie' has that same shit eatin grin as 'Disco Barbie'!? What is this girls secret? My 'Go to Work' grin looks more like a constipated Llama being force feed a block of cheese.

i have every intent to carry a positive attitude throughout my day but i tell yah, it is hard not to get wrapped up in the pressures and the relationship misfires with those around us.

Yesterday was my first day back to work after a lovely 7 days off, 7 days of putting together outfits, squeezing toothpaste, hair & body gel through miniature packaging. Generally i have found that the first day back is basically all the stress and pressure of the prior week crammed into 1 brutal day. however, going into this day, I had a pep talk w/ the person whom I like to call Vacation Todd.  

Yes! I have coached this man, to not succumb and breakdown to the daily minutia we call Life.  My goal for Vacation Todd is to stay put & to never meet the wrath of  Stressed out Todd, a nasty dictator of a man who'd cover a rainbow in oil if he felt it would dull the pain.

Stressed out Todd:

"submit Vacation Todd, you are powerless......ha ha ha!"

Vacation Todd:

"not with these Wonder Woman bracelets, I will Deflect , Stop, Drop & Roll....tee hee hee!"

Stressed out Todd:

"damn you Vacation Todd, your powers are stronger than i thought, i will flood your email and turn your office into a Merry Go Round of Problem Solving......ha ha ha!"

Vacation Todd:

"I'm taking a Me moment, going to walk these boots around the block.....Peace Biatch...tee hee hee!!"

I shaved off Vacation Todd's feeble attempt of a beard today.  7 days growth of facial hair being allowed to run wild. I began to like it....made me consider changing careers, by putting on a Mu-Mu and opening up a candle shoppe.  I think I would carry a miniature gong, and slap it every time someone would make a purchase........wouldn't that be fun!?

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Cracked Grillz

A buddy of mine was telling me how he prefers women with a bo jankity smile, slightly snaggle toothed w/ a lit'l grit to the grin. 

There was a day when this was a non issue, people of the past didn't give a corn cob smile a second glance, hell George Washington, America's first president wore teeth made of wood!

Now days we are wired up, laser beamed white w/Veneers that make us all look like Carol Channing. I saw a lit'l ole tan lady of 75 years walk by me with a set of beaming white chompers. I'm thinking she could've done ten pull ups with those things.

It was one thing when we all started to shop at The Gap and wear the same clothes, but coordinating our bodies to look like one another is going to a whole new level. Individuality is sexy people, embrace your charms. If you've got a limp, werk that limp. Gotta hump? Avoid back spins and sleep on your side.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

wet wet wet

I found myself floating down a lazy river this past weekend, beautiful hot weather floating on a tube in a Texas waterpark, being carried along by current alone. I couldn't help but think this is what Moses must've felt when his mother tossed him into a river floating away in a basket.....I'm assuming it was a waterproof basket.

Airport security sure threw me a curve ball as I hit the skies, seems body scanning has become a standard practice now. I was asked on both legs of my trip to stand in an upright coffin and raise my arms over my head.  As i was positioning myself the guard asked me to remove my note pad out of my front pocket, seems it was blocking their view of my wang. 

These body scans concern me, this is basically a machine that has the ability to look beneath clothing and scan a nude image of the body, each image is sent to a secret room where the image is viewed by a mystery person,  and not a discreet profile angle, they require a full blown spread eagle pose, I felt like I was posing for a centerfold, my gawd!  i dont even feel comfortable with that position in private! 

A information board assured me that the image is immediately erased and my face is blurred, all fine and comforting cept my mind was more concerned w/ the position of my JimmyChooChoo, it wasn't like i was wearing a loose fitting boxter that would allow my lit'l man freedom to roam and stretch out, I had on a pair of tighty whities, that made my McJohnson sandwiched and compacted like it was pressed up against a plate glass window trying to sneak a peak, not pretty.  A jar of pickled pigs feet would be more appealing.

I've enjoyed my mini travel vacay, i'm reminded that there is a lot of life going on out there, looking out the plane window, I marveled at the city centers, farm fields, highways and meandering rivers all in constant motion. Lots of different ways to live life, lots of different ways to express yourself. Back to the Grind as I like to say.

Peace, Pace & Pudding Face

Saturday, August 20, 2011

two and a Half Feet

There was a magic whistler on my bus ride today, one of those hypnotic verbrato whistles, almost felt like i was being seduced by a tropical bird cept it was coming out of the mouth a a 70 year old indian fellow.

I thought it charming as he and i stood on the corner waiting for the bus, but to my surprise he continued to blow his tune while he was comfortably seated inside the bus. At this point his charms fell flat on me, I don't need to be whistled into a trance, i might miss my stop!

i think in general, we need to brush up on our personal space etiquette. i feel like it is coming to the point where i am going to have to wear a tutu around as a reminder of the 2 1/2 ft of space I need from others. whether I'm standing in a line or waiting in an elevator. It alarms me when someone crowds up against me for no reason, my entire focuss is drained into their presence, and gawd help me if i can feel that person's breath, ughh the worst

I'll hold off wearing the tutu for the moment, maybe ill carry a hand fan
instead and just fling my arms back and forth, that should have folks
keeping their distance. happy weekend ya'll, im in the land of texas searching for a mechanical bull that accepts my debit card, gitty up! Yee haw!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Fool Yanking My Chain Gang

I think in this time of National distress and the world at the brink of a global recession, today's leaders need to unite us w/ universal messages like Free iTunes Friday or Hands Across America Part II.  Something!

Back in High-school, whenever someone was running for class president they would pass out brownies and talk up all the benefits that would come w/ their successful election.  Today it seems we vote from a negative motivation, we vote against people rather than for people.  For instance, lets say I absolutely could not tolerate people who eat their eggs sunny-side up, I felt like their actions should be stopped and outlawed.  I would seek out a candidate who felt the same as I, and would do everything possible to get them elected.  No concern whether my opinion was good for the nation or even of sound mind, just that I felt a runny egg had no part in the daily life of me or anyone else.......  for the record, I love a loose yoke.

I think the political climate would be more tolerant and accepting if the individuals involved came out and offered me positive ideas and suggestions:

  • the use energy efficient light bulbs
  • Zen Garden Parks
  • backing up my music library
  • a Willie Nelson Fire Side Chat
  • Eliminate Tall, Grande & Venti....... Small, Med & Large works fine!

The election season is just getting started and I am already feeling exhausted w/ the games and shenanigans.  The older I get, the more evident it appears that it is all a political charade of motions that serve hidden agendas.  Well it seems the chickens have come home to roost, as they say;  our global economy is shaking like a knobby kneed tightrope walker. 

I'm serious about Hands Across American Part II.  I would step right in line once it made its way through Chicago, of course I 'd probably disinfect my hands afterwards.  In fact, I would probably encourage all of us to wear rubber gloves, but the spirit would be the same.  That community closeness we need to cultivate, just w/o the germs and bed bugs.  Ohhh lord help us.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Feather'd Laughter

 About this sound "Tickle" 

How come we can't tickle ourselves? How come when I was a youngster and I'd try to get tickle revenge on an older person, they just stare at me w/ barely a chuckle?

well it seems I'm not the only person asking these thought provoking questions because a quick Google search led me to over 4.5 million  results. 

Tickle Torture is what I remember calling it when I was younger, losing control of your thoughts, body movements and funny bone. If done for a period of time, it can be absolute torture.  I wonder if Governments use this technique to extract information from hostages, it would certainly get better press than the Waterboarding technique used as recently as 2007 at Guantanamo Bay on terror suspects by the United States CIA.  They could've just used a giant red, white & blue Peacock feather and said  "Coochi  Coo".

Researchers at University College London found that the cerebellum detects self-inflicted touch ahead of time and tells the rest of the brain to ignore the resulting sensation, spoiling the fun of self-tickling. cbcnews/health

They discovered this by hooking volunteers up to a Robotic tickle machine where the volunteers could request tickle treatments by pressing a button.  Scientists began adjusting the delay between the push of the button and the robotic response and found that, the longer the delay, the more successful a belly full of laughter would result.   

....basically, if people can anticipate or control the sensation, there is nothing to get giddy about.  It's the element of surprise and lack of control that sends us into hysterics, a defense mechanism we were all born with to detect foreign creatures or objects crawling over our bodies.

Who knew there was so much science involved w/ the act of tickling however, one couldn't tell by searching the internet fantastic, my gawd.....any which way you type the word tickle, you are bound to get screen shots of bondage queens tying someone down to a wooden table in a black rubber wall'd room.  What is going on in the World!?  I can only imagine what results I'd find if I were to Google  "Tickle me Elmo"   Hey ooohh!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Vacay you Say?

would you all mind me sharing, that today is day #1 of a week long vacation for me?  I'm a lit'l gitty bout the whole situation and the endless possibilities of how I can spend my time. So far it has begun w/ me avoiding a parking ticket by bolting outta of bed in a panic in order to move my Buick for the street cleaning machine. I've calmed down now, thankfully w/ a nice cup of coffee, I think it will take me a few days to get into the Vacay mindset, where my nerves & worries are set to hibernation mode like a bunch of sleepy bears.

Hibernation is a state of inactivity and metabolic depression in animals, characterized by lower body temperature, slower breathing, and lower metabolic rate. Hibernating animals conserve food, especially during winter when food supplies are limited, tapping energy reserves, body fat, at a slow rate. It is the animal's slowed metabolic rate which leads to a reduction in body temperature and not the other way around.  Wikipedia
Yeah!  I think this is the theme of my Vacation----Hibernation!  I'm going to gather and bury a bunch of acorns and nuts, learn how to clean my body using just my tongue and practice a few types of mating calls.   

  • Bwaarrrhhha
  • Chainghah!  Chahaighann!
  • Pyrharraghhalala  Pyrharraghhalala!

I wonder if a gay bear's mating call is different from a straight bear?  I just researched the magical internets and found on Wikipedia that 10% of all male Rams refuse to mate w/ lady Rams and only get busy with other male mates.   hmmmmm   Ram, Bam, Ram, Bam!

Speaking of gay rights and all that JAZZ.......I will be heading off to the Lonestar State later this week, Home of Texas Gov & Presidential Candidate  Rick Perry.  Yee Haw Rick, would love to meet yah, perhaps on a dance floor doing a boot shuffle w/ a pair of shit kickers or sharing a ride on a mechanical bull.  A Boot scoot boogie for the rights of all Americans!   

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Pig Tails & Pony Tails............what other barnyard animals can inspire hair styles?

  • Rooster Hawk
  • Goose Braid
  • Cowlick
  • Beehive
I was in a coffee shop this past weekend picking up some Java when I was greeted by a  Barista lady working her frothy milk technique w/ a steam wand for the guest in front of me. I could tell her skill took time so I used this as an opportunity give my bladder a break by using the public toilet.  Upon entry I read a sign that was hung directly above the toilet paper holder:

"Our toilet is cranky....please do not flush foreign objects ie. lady products.  p.s.  a courtesy flush is a appreciated."

Courtesy Flush!?  I was confused by this, since when did flushing become a courtesy? A quick skip to Urban Dictionary gave me my answer.

Courtesy Flush:
A flush in the middle of the toilet-sitting process in order to reduce the aroma...usually performed on a "foreign throne" as a courtesy to the owner of said throne... in other words, to be polite and not stink up the host's crapper too much.
"I gave a courtesy flush at the Smith's party because I didn't want to kill the next person to use the bathroom"
by peafarter Jan 4, 2003  via Urban Dictionary

As a self professed people pleaser,  I am thrilled to have a new method to show courtesy to my fellow man, unfortunately it means I'll be walking around w/ a soggy backside from all the back flush. Gotta love Life & it's many valuable lessons, glad my eyes were open for this one.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Big Bird's Stinger

My 6th grade Sex Ed teacher attempted to demonstrate the pubic hair growing regions of men & women using stick figures on a chalkboard.

For the lady bits he drew an upside down triangle and for the dudes he drew a diamond. I don't remember how advanced my diamond was at that particular time but I do remember thinking my diamond needed some work.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I here to say, nearly 20 years later I am still waiting on my lush diamond pube garden to take root, in fact if you'd outline my current state of affairs it would resemble more of a mud hut being struck by a bolt of lightning..........No diamond.

I am so glad my career path didn't take me to a position of a sex ed teacher, I'd be a trembling mess of a teacher.  

where do babies come from?

Todd the Sex Ed Teacher:

from your vagina....can you just shut up!

my boyfriend said condoms are safe, is this true?

Todd the Sex Ed teacher:

where did you come from, are you in the right class.....this is for 5th graders!!  you shouldn't be dating!!!!

ohhh  my childless life is a blanket or a bubble I live in.  I am more than happy to jump in and play a few rounds w/ the kiddos but I am in complete awe of those who spend 24/7 with these youngsters.  I think these tikes hold us accountable not just to raise them correctly but also to lead a productive adult life:


Dad, why are you peeing into the sink?

Daddio  (ala me if I had kids)

uhhmm, this is an adult privilege, you will also get this as an option when you are an adult and loaded like a freight train!  btw.......having a wang helps.

Birds and the Bee's a simple melody but not in my book, a crook and a bend of a river who sends a shiver down the spine of a healthy sea salt.  Take a breath, set your compass and proceed forward to wherever your nether regions lead you, an island, a shore or a back door of a dude w/ a radio playing a Mercury tune.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Pee Pee in your Cup

 I were a body of water I think I could most relate to a puddle, not a lot of of waves in a puddle, not a lot of drama, however people like to jump on puddles, so that's not good. Puddles also dry up and disappear...  so, I'm thinkin not a good ambition. 

I think if I were a body of water I would be a bird bath, but a well maintained bird bath, filled w/  Evian and maybe one of the cherub angels peeing into the mouth of a koi fish.  Yeah!  That's me!

I heading to an outdoor concert venue call Ravinia today, features high brown symphonies and other sophisticated sytlings.  Today I will be seeing Rufus Wainwright along w/ the Chicago Symphony Orchestra.  It's currently raining but my weather pal Tom Skilling has said it will be clear skies and sunny this afternoon.  Here's to hoping he is correct, have a good Sunday Ya'lls

Saturday, August 13, 2011

my legs feel like sugar free jello

ever notice how one day the universe will pour a bucket of rainbows over your head making you feel all rosy, peaceful and gorgeous, and then the next day all you get is a prominent place directly underneath a bug zapper.

Today, I came across trip wire after trip wire.  I felt like I was in some mad mind scientists boot camp. 


I'll put him into a morning coma and make him believe he is awake but truly sleeping.  Those vivid dreams he's having will surely make him late for work.  bwahh ha ha


Office mate's last day, says peace and good luck

Customer Complaint warrants company wide meeting

Verizon Store sends em away from a device upgrade cuz he is 25 days early on a New evr'y 2 program

bwahh ha ha


Train ride home he will pick the car w/ some hopped up 20 something's dropping N'bombs, F'bombs, Gaymo Bomb's for not just 1 or 3 stops of his commute............. but all 18!!

His dog Samson's back leg will suddenly freeze mid-walk, forcing him to carry the creature all the the way home while contemplating the 14 year old dog's life expectancy. 

bwahh ha ha

I've survived the licks for now, but I'm just shaking my head asking where the hell did this day come from?  I feelin the wise words of Huey Lewis right now:

I want a new drug
One that won't make me sick
One that won't make me crash my car
Or make me feel three feet thick

I want a new drug
One that won't hurt my head
One that won't make my mouth too dry
Or make my eyes too red

One that won't make me nervous
Wonderin' what to do
One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you
When I'm alone with you

A Hula Hoop addiction. I think a hula hoop might just be the spark I need, a hip flipping, gyrating good time.  Do dudes look cool doing the Hula Hoop or it just a Lady Thang?

Friday, August 12, 2011

Land of Titty Ca Ca

My friend reenacted a public groping she had endured while walking home with bags of groceries slung over each shoulder.

During the retelling of this sad tale a question was raised using a word I had never heard before:
"Did they touch your Breasticles?"
What is this I hear? a new WORD?

My limited vocabulary would've chosen:

"Did they brush against your bosom?"

"Were your thunderbags disturbed?"
but no, he chose the word BREASTICLES, and I am forever thrilled.

What a Fantastic word, a hybrid of Breast and Testicle, I want a pair of Breasticles, I'm thinking World Peace could be found with just ONE SET! The power of Breasts combined w/ a set of Apple Dumplings.....whooa honey.  

Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing Boing

I would be amiss if I didn't mention a certain bestie blogger friend of mine Ms. Boobies, a shoot from the hip type of gal who slings her lady mountains like no other. Muhwah, lurve you Boobies!

Todd's Boob Tune:   
  • Man boobs
  • uni boob
  • Trip D's
  • cupcakes
  • milk jugs
  • Ta Ta's
  • Money Makers
  • Soul Sistuhs  (repeat 2x)

In Conclusion:   When I am standing at those Pearly Gates looking the Big Guy square in the eye, I'm gonna have one simple word to share.......BREASTICLES!   I may have to repeat it several times for dramatic effect but the message will be the same. BREASTICLES!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Yo ho ho and a btl of Perfume please!

Take time to smell the roses they say........ I wish I had time to smell roses, unfortunately for me My evening commute had me pressed against a sweaty chica w/ a yoga mat hanging out of her back pack, I have no idea what yoga technique she uses but judging from the amount of perspiration saturating her tank top, I'm thinking it needs to be taken down a notch.

I thought yoga is supposed to be peaceful, pressed up against this lady you'd think I was standing in a field of cow manure watching dirty hippies blowing peace bubbles using ass gas. Complete rankidty rank.

I go to great lengths to keep my odor under control, I use breath mints, I incessantly check my teeth in the mirror looking for debris, my aim is to be presentable when in public, not a drippy sweaty mess; of course the fact that I never work out certainly helps.

I guess I should give this yoga princess a break, here she is just trying to find her spiritual calm and here I am slinging judgment all over her, I'm lousey, just a big ole jerk.........however just when I'm about to give this funkarella a pass, my own spiritual calm calls me up, 

Ring ring ring:

Todd's Spiritual Calm:

Uhhhmmn, you know. Smelling like a toxic clam shell on a stick isn't my idea of harmony and peace.


Relax, it's just a few more stops.

Todd's spiritual calm:

well, she isn't really doing anyone any good by dripping her spiritual toxins all over the train floor, she should try soap, water & some moisturizing cream. 


Give me a break, everyone has a bad day.

Todd's spiritual Calm:

Bad Day!  I wish I could cure a bad day w/ a simple wipe of a moist toilette underneath a funky pit!

So you know what Yoga Lady! These pits don't lie, wipe up that funk beforez youz drip the stank sweat all over my work loafers, if you truly want to be one w/ this earth and all that peaceful concourse, then I suggest you don't rub your yoga brew all over my starched shirt. Word!