Friday, October 7, 2011

Donkey Punch

I learned another lesson today and it was delivered to me in the form of a parable.  The lead character was a donkey who fell into a well, basically a Jack Ass stuck in a hole. What a horrible feeling, being stuck in a hole. I myself have never been stuck in a hole but I imagine it could be pretty stressful.  Remember baby Jessica, lit'l ole baby stuck in a hole............... Terrible.

The story goes:

a farmer was walking his fields when all of a sudden he heard the moaning cries of an animal.  He followed the sounds and came upon an abandoned well, where to his surprise he saw the sight of a quivering and stressed out Donkey lying at the bottom. "What is one to do!?" the farmer asked.

Weighing the cost of rescue and the price to cap the well he decided he would just fill up the hole with nearby dirt...... making the choice to sacrifice the donkeys life in order to save a buck............What a terrible farmer! What a cold soul! 

Onward he went with this decision, "well the economy and his pocketbook demanded it for Pete's Sake!"  He fetched a shovel and began to scoop, and scoop, and scoop.  Scooping dirt was the name of his game.  He found a rhythm that allowed him to block out the true nature of his dark act, this Donkey Death! 

With every scoop of dirt he dumped below, the cries of the animal soon disappeared.  A watchful eye would have noticed the Donkey's reaction but the farmer was far too busy, for with every scoop that farmer made, the Donkey would stand up, shake the dirt off allowing it to fall to it's feet. The taste of freedom excited evr'y hair on that Donkey body, a strength that was exhumed with that initial load of dirt. 

As the scoops piled up, the donkey found it self standing taller than before. This continued for a awhile until the bottom of the hole meet the surface of the land and the donkey was able to walk away freely and proud.

Not sure how the farmer felt about the whole situation? I imagine going from cold blooded killer to a dirt scooping rescue hero could be equally fascinating. Hopefully the two were able to laugh off the whole situation and enjoy a couple of beers together. 

An inspiring story for all. Again I am glad this story found me today. Slightly morbid to think we could be living life amongst donkey killers but certainly glad to realize that we all can overcome adversity by standing tall with our heads held high. I'm gonna raise a couple of glasses to this Jack Ass, gonna get myself Donkey Eye'd YO!   Eeee haw! Eeee Haw!

Donkey. Donkey. Donkey. Donkey. Donkey. Donkey


Hole, Hole, Hole, Hole, Hole, Hole, Hole, Hole


Donkey Killer, Donkey Killer, Donkey Killer, Donkey Killer, Donkey Killer

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Old Lady Spit

I went out today to drop off a package at the local UPS store, while I was waiting for the crosswalk signal to turn I noticed a dear ole woman of 80 plus years spit on the ground. I'm thinking "What! That's not right! What's wrong w/ this lady, she buy a bad tube of denture cream?"

Me & Father Time need to make amends, I'm done fighting his strength and tempo. I have spent countless hours fretting over life's pitfalls but I realized a lesson recently. Good days and Bad days, they all move along the same.  Those fantastic Sunday afternoons that speed into Monday mornings or those long lines in a grocery store that stand frozen in time. Allowing them to occupy a small place in my stomach, also know as 'the pit' is no longer an option....... "This house is not a home" for worry and fret.   take it away Luther!

This week I quit my job and the emotions that went along with it caused a physical reaction in me.  My heart beat raced, my head was sweating, I couldn't even crack a smile. A man could have been on stage filling a balloon w/ his own ass gass and I wouldn't have even chuckled a bit. Sad Shame, Sad Shame I was. 

I must've stood up from my desk 5 times before I could muster up the courage to walk into my boss's office:   

Setting:  [Boss's office, dark maple wood desk and cabinet set w/ large brass Horse Sculptures.]  I would have felt more comfortable walking into Darth Vader's changing quarters.


"I've found new opportunity...erhm, hmm and I will be leaving in Two Weeks!" (while sweating through my underpants)


"Two Weeks?" 


"yes, Two Weeks"  (crossing & uncrossing my legs for the 3rd time)


"ok, we'll get through this....are you ok?"

All the drama and emotional turmoil I had racing within me was settled w/ a 3 minute conversation!?  What was I worrying about?  Life and job continue to roll on by.  Reminds me of that Great Diana Ross and MJ number 

Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road (come on)
Ease on down, Ease on down the road
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road

Cause there may be times when you think you lost your mind
And the steps you're taking leave you three four steps behind
But the road you're walking might be long sometimes
You just keep on stepping and you'll be just fine (yeah)
"Ease on Down the Road"  The Wiz. 1978

Ole lady denture cream, I hope you are sitting quietly in your easy chair sucking on a breath mint. Sure, I wish I never had to see you shoot a curbside loogie, but even more so, I wish you the comfort and ease that will allow you to not have to.........maybe you should stop w/ the dairy products, I hear they cause excess phelm. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Vanna need a Spanking?

I'd be weary bout walking onto a porno film set and using the term "show me the ropes". If you are anything like me, you value your freedom and the use of your hands.

My friend Jillian has been showing me the ropes recently, all the way from the Great State of Texas. Perry country, Yee Haw! Giddy Up Young Buck!

No, I am not wrangling any four legged creature nor producing a bondage film. Using our cell phones, Jillian and I are playing a friendly game of Word Feud, a rip off version of Scrabble.

Jillian has a similar personality as myself, competition motivates us. Jillian bought her smartphone 6 months before me, In those six months she played hundreds of rounds of Word Feud. Strangers, friends, hook ups ...Anyone to keep her over active mental word play busy.

Immediately after purchasing my high tech 'handy' I reached out to Jillian for a game. We've had a constant game going for two weeks now with no end in sight. We've come up with great words, my favorite round so was when I started the board with the word 'slut'. It's amazing how many dirty nasty words are legitimate.

Jillian is all about the points, she has taught me to take advantage of the double and triple letter/word squares on the board and to bulk up my game play w/ words like:

Fe he le xi qi ex de za qua

It's these lit'l gems that will win you some mad points. I'm so obsessed at the moment, I've taken to the Internet and have begun to read up on game strategy. It is my goal to beat Jillian, so far I've lost every round. Over and over she beats me. 

I swear, had we been playing live, I would have flipped the board several times by now, sending all those tiles flying. I'm thinkin they should include a 'Jersey style' flip the table option on Word Feud, that would be hilarious.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Oopsey daisey

D'ya think I could be successful if I opened a baby goods store called Mister Period? I'm thinking it might come across a lit'l creepy since I'm a 35 year old gay man w zero kids.

Baby mania in my world, Good friend of mine just delivered an 8 lb nugget the other day. My gawd, I can't imagine passing something like that through me. I was cringing the other day when a co-worker of mine was having trouble with kidney stones. A pebble through a penis, ouch! But a human being through a vagina is a whole different ball of wax. Hot Damn! That is remarkable.

I enjoy the spirit of children and the instant impact they bring to the lives of all of us. Christmas is always WAY better when a couple of rug rats are scurrying around , tearing apart wrapping paper and keeping tabs one another's presents.

People are always asking me if Aaron and I will ever decide to adopt. I love the idea, but the pathway to baby bliss is not clear to me. If the universe decided to drop a kid at my door, sure, I'd feed it some tater tots w/ ketchup but to actively muscle a kid into my life? I don't think i'll be doing so.

Sure, I'd like to bounce a kid on my knee evr'y once in a while, pass out Worther's butterscotch candies, but teacher parent conferences, PTA meetings, consoling a raging child? I think not,
I'll leave those precious moments to the experts. 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Fly me to the moon

Are moon bound astronauts required to use GPS or could they just grab the wheel and aim for that big glowing white orb in the sky?  Seems easy enough to me, I don't think I'd get lost.  Point and shoot baby!

The last couple of nights I've noticed a big bright full white moon in the sky, absolutely stunning. On my walks w/ the dogs, I have found my self stopping to look up and stare. I must be part wolf or coyote, the temptation to fall into a trance is tough to fight off.

If I were a cave man, I think I would have thought a full moon was the eye of god staring down at me, it's such an ominous sight. I wonder how my personality would have been different during cave man days, what would I have done for amusement?  I imagine my love for Sunday brunch would be off the table. Do you think I'd be expected to help kill the buffalo even though I'm a vegetarian?

Yes, the world is getting smaller. The moon is much closer & my Cave Man body hair has dwindled down to cute lit'l patches found between my legs & nipples.  I'm glad the world is getting smaller but I think as this happens, we better damn well be prepared to open our minds a bit.  Lots of different perspectives floating around; this is not the time to start pissing contests with one another, it will only add to the funky stench in the air.

laughter joy and tears.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Heads up

I've realized recently that despite having little to no hair on my head, I still require a good shampoo head scrub.

I've been getting these head pimples along my hair line. I supposed I've always dealt with them but now that I sport a bald Mr Clean look, my head acne is on public display. Aaron swears its because I don't clean my head razor enough, says I should use the little brush that it came with and clean out the bits of hair from the razor teeth.

First of all:  I have no idea where that damn little brush is, we bought the razor 5 years ago.  

Second: adding another step to my 5 min head shave process would be too much, I don't have this kind of time in my day, the five seconds I spend blowing off the hairs w/ my mouth is fine.  

I have read that oil comes from the base of the hair follicle and travels down the hair shaft. Since I have zero hair, I figure the oil flows directly from the follicle to my head, shoulders, knees & toes.......knees & toes. To prevent myself from walking around looking like a grease pit, I envision wearing a head sized cotton ball just to keep me all neat and tidy.

While on the subject, I think those bald dudes with the super shiny wax heads are a bit overdone. The 'wax on wax off' method needs to be toned down a tad, just a couple of pats w/ a powder puff will do.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Pedal to the metal

Let's keep going

What d'you mean?

 ....Go  [Thelma nods ahead of them towards edge of cliff]

You sure?


Thelma slams her heal down on the accelerator. Sending their convertible Ford T-Bird off the edge of a cliff 

Was this Thelma and Louise's first chat about the whole suicide cliff option or was this one of those insta chats where you just look at someone and know what they are saying?

my gawd, Thelma and Louise must've known each other pretty well if they felt comfortable discussing a suicide pact with just a few words & eye glances. If I had been sitting next to Thelma I would've thrown on Ricky Martins hit 'Shake Your Bon Bon' in hopes of pulling her outta her Sua Funk

I like the idea of eye chatting. I think it is a very intimate and mysterious way to communicate. I have a friend who whenever something serious is happening she says. "look at my face!".


I found this recipe were you surround an Oreo cookie with chocolate chip cookie dough and you bake it


What? That's crazy, are you going to make these?


Todd!? Look at my face! do I not look serious? Of course I'm making em. These are the sh$@t!

I think I will try to order my next Starbucks coffee using my eye chat technique, how hard can it be to say Venti black coffee with a mixture of poetry and a raised eyebrow.