Friday, October 7, 2011

Donkey Punch

I learned another lesson today and it was delivered to me in the form of a parable.  The lead character was a donkey who fell into a well, basically a Jack Ass stuck in a hole. What a horrible feeling, being stuck in a hole. I myself have never been stuck in a hole but I imagine it could be pretty stressful.  Remember baby Jessica, lit'l ole baby stuck in a hole............... Terrible.

The story goes:

a farmer was walking his fields when all of a sudden he heard the moaning cries of an animal.  He followed the sounds and came upon an abandoned well, where to his surprise he saw the sight of a quivering and stressed out Donkey lying at the bottom. "What is one to do!?" the farmer asked.

Weighing the cost of rescue and the price to cap the well he decided he would just fill up the hole with nearby dirt...... making the choice to sacrifice the donkeys life in order to save a buck............What a terrible farmer! What a cold soul! 

Onward he went with this decision, "well the economy and his pocketbook demanded it for Pete's Sake!"  He fetched a shovel and began to scoop, and scoop, and scoop.  Scooping dirt was the name of his game.  He found a rhythm that allowed him to block out the true nature of his dark act, this Donkey Death! 

With every scoop of dirt he dumped below, the cries of the animal soon disappeared.  A watchful eye would have noticed the Donkey's reaction but the farmer was far too busy, for with every scoop that farmer made, the Donkey would stand up, shake the dirt off allowing it to fall to it's feet. The taste of freedom excited evr'y hair on that Donkey body, a strength that was exhumed with that initial load of dirt. 

As the scoops piled up, the donkey found it self standing taller than before. This continued for a awhile until the bottom of the hole meet the surface of the land and the donkey was able to walk away freely and proud.

Not sure how the farmer felt about the whole situation? I imagine going from cold blooded killer to a dirt scooping rescue hero could be equally fascinating. Hopefully the two were able to laugh off the whole situation and enjoy a couple of beers together. 

An inspiring story for all. Again I am glad this story found me today. Slightly morbid to think we could be living life amongst donkey killers but certainly glad to realize that we all can overcome adversity by standing tall with our heads held high. I'm gonna raise a couple of glasses to this Jack Ass, gonna get myself Donkey Eye'd YO!   Eeee haw! Eeee Haw!

Donkey. Donkey. Donkey. Donkey. Donkey. Donkey


Hole, Hole, Hole, Hole, Hole, Hole, Hole, Hole


Donkey Killer, Donkey Killer, Donkey Killer, Donkey Killer, Donkey Killer

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Old Lady Spit

I went out today to drop off a package at the local UPS store, while I was waiting for the crosswalk signal to turn I noticed a dear ole woman of 80 plus years spit on the ground. I'm thinking "What! That's not right! What's wrong w/ this lady, she buy a bad tube of denture cream?"

Me & Father Time need to make amends, I'm done fighting his strength and tempo. I have spent countless hours fretting over life's pitfalls but I realized a lesson recently. Good days and Bad days, they all move along the same.  Those fantastic Sunday afternoons that speed into Monday mornings or those long lines in a grocery store that stand frozen in time. Allowing them to occupy a small place in my stomach, also know as 'the pit' is no longer an option....... "This house is not a home" for worry and fret.   take it away Luther!

This week I quit my job and the emotions that went along with it caused a physical reaction in me.  My heart beat raced, my head was sweating, I couldn't even crack a smile. A man could have been on stage filling a balloon w/ his own ass gass and I wouldn't have even chuckled a bit. Sad Shame, Sad Shame I was. 

I must've stood up from my desk 5 times before I could muster up the courage to walk into my boss's office:   

Setting:  [Boss's office, dark maple wood desk and cabinet set w/ large brass Horse Sculptures.]  I would have felt more comfortable walking into Darth Vader's changing quarters.


"I've found new opportunity...erhm, hmm and I will be leaving in Two Weeks!" (while sweating through my underpants)


"Two Weeks?" 


"yes, Two Weeks"  (crossing & uncrossing my legs for the 3rd time)


"ok, we'll get through this....are you ok?"

All the drama and emotional turmoil I had racing within me was settled w/ a 3 minute conversation!?  What was I worrying about?  Life and job continue to roll on by.  Reminds me of that Great Diana Ross and MJ number 

Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road (come on)
Ease on down, Ease on down the road
Don't you carry nothing that might be a load
Come on
Ease on down, Ease on down, down the road

Cause there may be times when you think you lost your mind
And the steps you're taking leave you three four steps behind
But the road you're walking might be long sometimes
You just keep on stepping and you'll be just fine (yeah)
"Ease on Down the Road"  The Wiz. 1978

Ole lady denture cream, I hope you are sitting quietly in your easy chair sucking on a breath mint. Sure, I wish I never had to see you shoot a curbside loogie, but even more so, I wish you the comfort and ease that will allow you to not have to.........maybe you should stop w/ the dairy products, I hear they cause excess phelm. 

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Vanna need a Spanking?

I'd be weary bout walking onto a porno film set and using the term "show me the ropes". If you are anything like me, you value your freedom and the use of your hands.

My friend Jillian has been showing me the ropes recently, all the way from the Great State of Texas. Perry country, Yee Haw! Giddy Up Young Buck!

No, I am not wrangling any four legged creature nor producing a bondage film. Using our cell phones, Jillian and I are playing a friendly game of Word Feud, a rip off version of Scrabble.

Jillian has a similar personality as myself, competition motivates us. Jillian bought her smartphone 6 months before me, In those six months she played hundreds of rounds of Word Feud. Strangers, friends, hook ups ...Anyone to keep her over active mental word play busy.

Immediately after purchasing my high tech 'handy' I reached out to Jillian for a game. We've had a constant game going for two weeks now with no end in sight. We've come up with great words, my favorite round so was when I started the board with the word 'slut'. It's amazing how many dirty nasty words are legitimate.

Jillian is all about the points, she has taught me to take advantage of the double and triple letter/word squares on the board and to bulk up my game play w/ words like:

Fe he le xi qi ex de za qua

It's these lit'l gems that will win you some mad points. I'm so obsessed at the moment, I've taken to the Internet and have begun to read up on game strategy. It is my goal to beat Jillian, so far I've lost every round. Over and over she beats me. 

I swear, had we been playing live, I would have flipped the board several times by now, sending all those tiles flying. I'm thinkin they should include a 'Jersey style' flip the table option on Word Feud, that would be hilarious.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Oopsey daisey

D'ya think I could be successful if I opened a baby goods store called Mister Period? I'm thinking it might come across a lit'l creepy since I'm a 35 year old gay man w zero kids.

Baby mania in my world, Good friend of mine just delivered an 8 lb nugget the other day. My gawd, I can't imagine passing something like that through me. I was cringing the other day when a co-worker of mine was having trouble with kidney stones. A pebble through a penis, ouch! But a human being through a vagina is a whole different ball of wax. Hot Damn! That is remarkable.

I enjoy the spirit of children and the instant impact they bring to the lives of all of us. Christmas is always WAY better when a couple of rug rats are scurrying around , tearing apart wrapping paper and keeping tabs one another's presents.

People are always asking me if Aaron and I will ever decide to adopt. I love the idea, but the pathway to baby bliss is not clear to me. If the universe decided to drop a kid at my door, sure, I'd feed it some tater tots w/ ketchup but to actively muscle a kid into my life? I don't think i'll be doing so.

Sure, I'd like to bounce a kid on my knee evr'y once in a while, pass out Worther's butterscotch candies, but teacher parent conferences, PTA meetings, consoling a raging child? I think not,
I'll leave those precious moments to the experts. 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Fly me to the moon

Are moon bound astronauts required to use GPS or could they just grab the wheel and aim for that big glowing white orb in the sky?  Seems easy enough to me, I don't think I'd get lost.  Point and shoot baby!

The last couple of nights I've noticed a big bright full white moon in the sky, absolutely stunning. On my walks w/ the dogs, I have found my self stopping to look up and stare. I must be part wolf or coyote, the temptation to fall into a trance is tough to fight off.

If I were a cave man, I think I would have thought a full moon was the eye of god staring down at me, it's such an ominous sight. I wonder how my personality would have been different during cave man days, what would I have done for amusement?  I imagine my love for Sunday brunch would be off the table. Do you think I'd be expected to help kill the buffalo even though I'm a vegetarian?

Yes, the world is getting smaller. The moon is much closer & my Cave Man body hair has dwindled down to cute lit'l patches found between my legs & nipples.  I'm glad the world is getting smaller but I think as this happens, we better damn well be prepared to open our minds a bit.  Lots of different perspectives floating around; this is not the time to start pissing contests with one another, it will only add to the funky stench in the air.

laughter joy and tears.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Heads up

I've realized recently that despite having little to no hair on my head, I still require a good shampoo head scrub.

I've been getting these head pimples along my hair line. I supposed I've always dealt with them but now that I sport a bald Mr Clean look, my head acne is on public display. Aaron swears its because I don't clean my head razor enough, says I should use the little brush that it came with and clean out the bits of hair from the razor teeth.

First of all:  I have no idea where that damn little brush is, we bought the razor 5 years ago.  

Second: adding another step to my 5 min head shave process would be too much, I don't have this kind of time in my day, the five seconds I spend blowing off the hairs w/ my mouth is fine.  

I have read that oil comes from the base of the hair follicle and travels down the hair shaft. Since I have zero hair, I figure the oil flows directly from the follicle to my head, shoulders, knees & toes.......knees & toes. To prevent myself from walking around looking like a grease pit, I envision wearing a head sized cotton ball just to keep me all neat and tidy.

While on the subject, I think those bald dudes with the super shiny wax heads are a bit overdone. The 'wax on wax off' method needs to be toned down a tad, just a couple of pats w/ a powder puff will do.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Pedal to the metal

Let's keep going

What d'you mean?

 ....Go  [Thelma nods ahead of them towards edge of cliff]

You sure?


Thelma slams her heal down on the accelerator. Sending their convertible Ford T-Bird off the edge of a cliff 

Was this Thelma and Louise's first chat about the whole suicide cliff option or was this one of those insta chats where you just look at someone and know what they are saying?

my gawd, Thelma and Louise must've known each other pretty well if they felt comfortable discussing a suicide pact with just a few words & eye glances. If I had been sitting next to Thelma I would've thrown on Ricky Martins hit 'Shake Your Bon Bon' in hopes of pulling her outta her Sua Funk

I like the idea of eye chatting. I think it is a very intimate and mysterious way to communicate. I have a friend who whenever something serious is happening she says. "look at my face!".


I found this recipe were you surround an Oreo cookie with chocolate chip cookie dough and you bake it


What? That's crazy, are you going to make these?


Todd!? Look at my face! do I not look serious? Of course I'm making em. These are the sh$@t!

I think I will try to order my next Starbucks coffee using my eye chat technique, how hard can it be to say Venti black coffee with a mixture of poetry and a raised eyebrow.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Big Meat

Please pardon the smokey spiced meat smell emanating from my clothes. I've been knee deep in Saurkraut, lending my Tommy Tune moves to an Downtown Chicago Oktoberfest.

Fun times, I get to walk around in a hoodie while yapping away into head set about porta potty placement, missing cellphones and sausage innuendo. Its amazing how much of my day is spent talking about weiner, I actually overheard someone ask how deep they should place the sausage in the bun. Ohhhh dear

One more day to go before I return to my normal daily routine. This outta time Okto experience has been good for me, has shook up my day to day while plugging me up from all the soft pretzels and beer cheese I've been guzzling down.

Aaron and I are looking forward to a visit from our Austrian cousin Sophie. She and a male companion name Arman will be joining us early next week. They were so kind to us when we visited them back in April, We look forward to returning the favor by introducing them to all our favorite local hangs. It will be fun showing them our beautiful city.

Wish me luck w my final Okto day, I think the whole lederhoisen look is attractive on the right guy, unfortunately if you'd throw me in a pair, I'd come out looking like a cross between Gargamel and Don Knotts.  not pretty, not very festive.  


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Sweep the Leg

I think I'll open up a stationary store that sells paper cranes. The first half of my day will be spent folding colorful paper in all the intricate paper crane ways. The second half of my day would be spent selling each lit'l treasure while washing down fava beans with a nice chianti.

I used to know how to fold paper-cranes, I was taught by a couple boys I babysat when I was in the sixth grade. I tell you, folding cranes is not like learning how to ride a bike, I have most certainly forgot. I couldn't fold a paper crane if my life depended on it. For me to get back on the paper-crane express, I gonna need a Miyagi tutoring in my off hours.

If the paper-cranes store doesn't work out? I think I will design a bullshit calculator that records the crap one has had to put up with during the course of a day. When your ready you hit a fix me button and it prescribes you a feel good solution:

Feel good solution # 1

  • 2 Michael Jackson songs
  • Ping pong ball sized clump of Oreo filling
  • 30 seconds of baby giggles

Feel good solution #2

  • 2 wet Yorkshire Terrier noses
  • Dipping your feet in a jar of Skittles
  • A Gospel choir singing your name in 4 part harmony

I need one of these million dollar ideas to take root soon, I've got a few checks in the mail that could use a stiffer backbone.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Stick a pin on me

Don't under estimate a properly placed accessory. I was walking my dog Baxter and seemed to catch the eye of every person walking by, enjoyed a couple of conversations w/ a few of them.  Had I been a solo dude minding my own business I would have never had these encounters. I'm thinking there is something to this.

Without Canine? Try these ideas:
  • tie a balloon to your wrist
  • carry a bouquet of flowers
  • set your ring-tone to a Sade tune

all could be considered olive branches or gestures of openness to your fellow man, folks may think you a bit off your rocker but the second glance they give you may become a conversation worth a lifetime of perspective.

I was reminded recently the importance of embracing those around us, even when it can be difficult and uncomfortable. To ask questions and give each other a chance to respond.

5 days a week I share a train ride amongst hundreds of other people going in the same direction, all with goals, ambitions and mixed up insecurities.  As I was reflecting on the ten year anniversary of 911, I remembered how for that moment, we all were on the same page, grieving and supporting one another.  It is a good feeling to know your community has your back when a crisis hits.  I want that feeling to continue, I want to make myself accessible and available moving forward into the next 10 years.

Maybe I should get one of those blinking buttons that reads:

'available to talk, let's share ideas & fun'

I'd make sure it had a picture of a flower or a bird on it, just to show I was a peaceful sort, I wouldn't want anyone to think I was a FreakAnature.   

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Neck Tattoooz Blueezz

Please don't call me insensitive, but I couldn't resist a double take today when I walked by a blind person with a neck tattoo.

so many questions flooded my mind.  Did he get the tattoo prior to becoming blind or after? Did he pick out the tattoo?  How did this happen? does he have a super great trustworthy friend who can help make some of those difficult neck tattoo decisions that the process requires? 

Like I said earlier, please don't label me insensitive.  I have the highest regard for blind people, whenever I see them on the streets I think of them as superheros and admire their courage as I get out of the way of their swinging stick.

True Story:

I once turned a corner on a Chicago sidewalk right into the line of fire of a blind person's walking stick, it was Me vs. Stick vs Side of a Building. The closest thing to an attack I've experienced since moving to Chicago

If I was blind, I don't think I could trust someone enough to tell me to get a neck tattoo.  I think having the visual sense removed from my consciousness would motivate me to throw the whole concept out the window.  I'd request, a daily look and stick w/ it.  I wouldn't have someone coordinate ties, shirts and socks for me  NO!  I'd have a uniform.  I think I'd be more interested in sound and touch sensation.

I'd probably wear an entire outfit of corduroy just so I could run my fingers over the texture all day long.  My concern wouldn't be what tattoo or what color polo I should sport....I 'd be more focused on the way I deliver sentences, and trying not to use the word "umm" so much. I'd work on those blind people super senses, especially the eavesdropping technique.....that could be useful.

I admire blind people and I hope there is someone out there reading my blog on a braille reader machine. I would enjoy getting a snarky comment from a blind reader who defends the use of tattoos.  I certainly would entertain the argument and do my best to understand their point of view. A back and forth w/ a braille reader machine could be fun, I think I would break the ice and send over an emoticon :)    I assume that would translate easily.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Benny's Haha

Why do cowboy boots have heels, is this for function or fashion? Me thinks this a bit prancy for a cowpoke.

I've been winding myself into a stress-ball for the last couple of weeks, I think it it's got to do with the change of seasons. I am terrible w/ change, so when life shifts, my bearings got outta whack for a bit.

I am a man of routine and my pain threshold for change is limited. I noticed recently when I was on vacation, my ability to adapt to new situations was pretty rough. I like to set the mundane processes of my life to autopilot.

For instance:
  • where my morning coffee comes from 
  • where to plug my cell phone 
  • where to for a descent stripper pole

I've heard the moment you stop learning is the moment you start dying, yikes that's bleak. well if it's any consolation,  I learned today that carrying an umbrella in your tote for Four months will finally pay off when you find yourself waiting for a bus in the rain.  Yay! Todd points for me! 

I enjoy learning. School was rough for me because it seemed I was never was on the same page with the daily subject matter, while others were learning about the revolutionary war, I was drawing little ninja warriors on my notebook or doodling a 4 month stained glass design while my 5th grade teacher was telling us about Earth's landmass. Whats strange is, I absolutely love to learn about history and the revolutionary war, I can't get enough of Hitler and those Nazi segments on the History Channel. 

Perhaps I've settled down a bit like my dog Samson. When Samson was younger he used to sass his way through his day, lifting his nose up to anyone. I remember wishing he had a few more years of age on him so he'd just settle down a bit. Well today my well aged Samson has found a cool collected stride of life. When I shout out orders to him,  rather than jump to my attention, he just shifts his ears in my direction waiting to hear if what I have to say is important.

I think my mind has settled, where it's finally able to savor and focus on single subjects and lessons. The next lesson I'm ready to learn is the skill of letting stress just slide off me just like melted butter. I swear, I am so envious of the people out there who can stand in a middle of a tornado and hold a conversation about Hula Hoops and Potato Chips. How do they do that? Are they on some mood drug or have I just missed the 'Good Ship Lolly pop' completely?  

Btw: I have become the worst speller since the invention of auto correct, I still can't spell the word 'thorough' for the life of me.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Man Stallion

If I could be half man half animal, I think I would choose to keep my head and replace my body with a creature torso.

however, walking around with a Tiger head could be pretty rad, tigers have that commanding attractive look. Sporting a tiger head would probably allow me to integrate into society fairly quickly, either as a personal trainer or a courtroom lawyer.

If I were to replace my body, for pure functional purposes, I'd choose the body of a squirrel. The years I've spent watching these critters climb trees, run from dogs & steal birdseed from Grandma's feeder has given me a true appreciation for their talents. My one worry is integrating into society, with a stature that is just a few inches off the ground, conversation w/ humans would be difficult. I'd either have to carry a megaphone or develop a wicked set of charade skills.

An Ostrich body could be pretty fancy, I'd be a hit on the charity & social gala circuit, as long as I kept my feathers nice and tidy...........but Ostrich's seem to have that turkey gobbler leg skin thing going on, I'd be self conscious of that.  I would probably be the first Ostrich on this planet to insist on wearing leg warmers as cover ups, or have an insane addiction to body moisturizing cream.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Judgement Slap

It took me awhile to absorb the moment but soon after it happened, I realized that my 2 male Yorkshire terriers were victims of gay bashing.

Aaron and I walked Samson and Baxter to the store the other night. Our cupboards were dry, and when I say cupboards I really mean glasses. 

While Aaron went inside to grab a few items, me and the hairy beasts politely enjoyed the scenery and passerby's. Everyone we spoke with seemed to be cheery & complimenting of the dogs. I did my best to make eye contact, saying thank was the least I could do.

After a while, wanders a couple of ladies, who stop to exchange words.  Not sure why Baxter chose this moment to perform the Ass Tango w/ his brother Samson, but he did.  Lady Perp saw this and immediately said that the two needed to take that behavior inside, as conversation unfolded and it was revealed that both my puppies were boys, she raised her finger pointing at my 4 year old Baxter and said:

"ohh no, 2 boys! that's bad, you stop that!"

Sure, this is a subtle bashing but one that did not go unnoticed by me. If I was a vindictive sort, I'd would have followed her home, got her address and signed her up for the dildo of the month club. 

Honey, you and your oppressed beaver quarters don't need to be broadcasting a public sex message. Step back for I attack!  

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Ruby Crusted Moon Boots

If Michael Jackson's spirit would enter my body, do you think he could turn my lanky limbs into a Dancing machine?

Like most Friday nights when Aaron is outta town, I inevitably find myself digging through my favorite YouTube videos, 1st diva tracks.

Fantasia, Christina, Judy & Adele

I love to watch their emotional power and how they express themselves w/ their vocal talent. 

Inevitably my video hunt brings me to a Michael Jackson live performance, a perfectly rehearsed performance under the spotlight of a live,  make no mistake camera angle. 


His movement is addictive, when I watch him I can't help but get up and try it myself.........Yeah, its not pretty. My Jimmy Crack Corn body type has a difficult time capturing that Jackson flavor, The Man in My Mirror pretty much just stands there and gives me  the 'Wrap it Up' sign.

I'm not sure the spirit of Michael Jackson could do much of anything with my body, perhaps with his drive and gumption he could at least get me a crowd of 15 on a downtown Chicago street corner collecting enough bucket change to buy a few beers for my friends.

So Michael, if your listening. If it isn't too much to ask, could you please possess me one of these Friday nights, and give me a dance lesson? Currently my Moonwalk resembles more of a Sleep could use a lit'l boost.

Eeeee Heeee.... Don't stop till you get enough!