Saturday, June 11, 2011

Chapped my hide, I need a bigger lip balm!

Aaron bought a portable spray tanner last week during his tour of the great state of Michigan.

It is a lit'l airbrush machine that is connected to a compressor. I have to say, it worked pretty well. Aaron is walking around with skin tones like Beyonce Knowles & all the single ladies who put their hands up.

Standing completely bare cept for a panty like undie covering his jimmy, aaron had his entire body sprayed. Head shoulder knees and toes, then repeated. Head shoulder knees and toes, knees and toes. His skin quickly turned the color of hickory, so lovely. He had bought some pastel clothing and a Britney Spears wicker fedora, his summer look now complete.

His inspiration quickly turned to me and my lack of look. The air gun was fired up and started spitting tan dye in my face, I closed my eyes and felt the cool haze. A quick look in the mirror confirmed my mocha complexion, a mixture of j-lo and Mr T, yet still a strong resemblance of Florence Henderson from the Brady Bunch.  Its this damn hawk nose I have, surprised I wasn't born w/ a set of talons.

I don't think I have vanity issues, I'm usually a very easy going dude w/ simple tastes.  but the other day in a Nordstrom changing room, I was left in a puddle of self doubt.  I now sympathize will all the ladies out there who have cried when picking out bathing suits.  its terrible!  These stores should really have a simulated beach area w/ sand to stand on while you look at yourself in a mirror, help us out a bit!  The whole commericial grade carpet and chipped drywall under flourescent lights is not working, might as well have a line of school girls standing there gossiping, giggling & passing notes, its miserable!  I put on a few pair of shorts and I looked ridiculous.  knobby knees garnished w/ a toss of spider veins.  WHY do I have varicose veins? I'm told it's from crossing my legs too much, I was blessed w/ teenie testes so I have the option. 

I nearly fainted after viewing my reflection, Aaron saw the look in my eyes and backed off, bless his heart.  His quest for my new look would have to wait for another day. I told him that I'd endure the heat and carry on w/ my decade old poly pant look.  We discussed a clam digger style pant, those pants that go below the knees but tailored to the leg, nothing baggy.  I said I'd be willing to give those a shot.  We left the store, I bought a pair of aviator glasses to hide my shame.  My journey through middle age took another hit that day, if this continues, I'm thinking the whole Burqa look may need to be my next option 


  1. I usually just buy Rustoleum in a mochachino color and spray that on.
    Now, as for "a Britney Spears wicker fedora" well, that's something every boy must have.

  2. lmfao I kinda get arroused when I see "non-naturally tanned" folks just as dark as me. Yep, it kinda gives me wood ;)

  3. LMAO @ * a mixture of j-lo and Mr T* -- CLASSIC!

    I know there are some really bad spray tan photos of me floating around... and it makes me think of my FAVORITE episode of Friends when Ross tries to spray tan and keeps tanning the same side... haha! The price we pay for fake beauty!

  4. Generally these moles are hazardous and not often are diagnosed
    cancerous. Do this a number of occasions and a scar is pretty much unavoidable.

    my web-site