Taboo Tabouli

I'm am inventing a new swear word today and it isn't one of those softy swear words like damn or piss, this is going to take down the grand daddy of all cuss words

Jinick!

This is a 2 syllable word but it needs to roll out the mouth like it were just one,  It begins with a french sounding J. Jcha. Jchaa. French is sucha a beautiful language, romantic. I bought the Californian $9/btl Clos du Bois Chardonnay for awhile just cause it made me feel fancy, so with that said, give the word a try and just say it..........Jinick!    Yeah, feels good doesn't it?

Don't forget now, this word is volatile, do not use this word freely and comfortably, this should send a shiver down your spine, this should stop cocktail conversation, people should be fired, old women should drop dead upon hearing this word. Come on people, let's really make this work...this is serious!

Jinick:

[jah-nick]

verb/vulgar

Usage:

I was out to dinner with a friend, you know the usual small talk and light banter when a fella from the back yells:

"jinick my brain and jinick on my stomach you foul drag bag! I wouldn't jinick your mother if she had the last jinick on earth!"

Im sayin whoa, who jinicked in this guys cereal?

nice huh? its versatile, covers all the bases. I'm sorry to add an additional naughty word to the lexicon but I feel it is time, the ones today have lost some energy and we are way to casual with em, so everybody needs to fawking relax and put their choda bruising minds back into the shittay gutter, cause we got a new tune to whistle. 

 Go get jinicked, will yah!

Ole creaky Bone show

Not Samson

My dog Samson is so old and lazy, from the comfort of my easy chair, I have to exercise him by throwing popcorn kernels into different parts of the room. I guess popcorn tastes just as good to dogs as it does to humans, Samson can't get enough of the stuff.

Our walks have become abbreviated in recent months as Samson's arthritis begins to set in, poor lit'l fella. We used to be able to walk for 45 mins exploring the neighborhood, peaking into neighbors windows trying to catch a glimpse of the lives of others, don't get me wrong, I'm not wearing a pair of binoculars around my neck, just casually observing my surroundings.

Samson has his routine down, gets it done and turns around to head back inside to his favorite spot. He has had a few favorite nesting spots in our place, the top of the sofa being the kings throne to both of the dogs. Whenever Samson is not occupying it, Baxter is happy to jump up and take his place.

Lately Samson has been nesting in the curtain that gathers along the ground of our dining room window.  Next to the window Aaron has placed a four foot Greek column that elevates a bronze urn he bought in an antique shop. Aaron and I have joked that Samson is claiming that particular urn for his own, post life, when he is in the form of ash. Makes me sad to think about it, but being a 14 year old dog I realize I need to prepare for the inevitable.

But don't crank up the furnace just yet, I think Samson has some good days ahead of him. I kiss him on the head every time I carry him down the steps, hopefully this comforts him, I don't see why it wouldn't. Doesn't everybody liked to be kissed and held by their beer breath owner?  Ohh well, it sure as hell makes me feel better. 

Puppy lovin, doncha agree,

the fun begins when you are with me. 

 Samson, oh Samson. 

Yah lift your leg while you  take a pee.

 oh Samson, oh Samson.

 Me love you, oh me Love you to the 10th degree.

  

 la la la la la la la la la la......10th DeGree!

Chitty Chitty my Bang Bang

If the option is possible I would like to live my next life as a fly girl.

I was introduced to the fly girl concept in the early 90's when I first tuned in to the Wayan Brothers tv comedy show "In living Color". Hilarious show that featured and launched the careers of all the Wayan brothers, Jim Carrey and Jamie Fox.

One notable performer that could be seen sweatin it up in an off the shoulder top and a pair of leggings, was the lovable Jennifer Lopez. I had never heard of a fly girl prior to this so in my mind, J LO is the original fly girl.

or maybe it was Flash Dance's Jennifer Beals?

I was kidding around with a co worker this past weekend while working a music festival. He started to busta move underneath our food tent, rockin his shoulders back and forth to the music, I suggested he would make a great fly girl. He being a straight man quickly corrected me and introduced me to an entirely new term, The Hype Man.

these are the guys who stand on stage and get the crowd pumped and feelin the cool groove, the flava of the hour. My vision involves a microphone and a dude yelling different catch phrases to the crowd & waving their arms back and forth.

Come on, come on, come on

What! You gonna be sweatin

Stand up, feel the beats in your feets

Yeah, I'm still thinkin the fly girl is the better route for me, my Hype Man crowd chatter would probably fall short

Alright people, tap your toes & sip those cocktails....alright

Let's huddle together and jump in unison! Whoa you can do it

Put you right arm in, put your right arm out....come on, its the Hokey Pokey

I wonder if being fly and full of hype gets old after awhile? There has to be the occasion when a Hype man himself needs a lit'l boost. That would be the ultimate use of life, to hype up a Hype Man or to motivate a Fly girl into her tights and encourage her to spin, whip her hair and get that body movin.

So we ain't gonna stumble and fall
Never
Waiting to see a sign of defeat

 So we gonna keep everyone
Moving their feet
So bring back the beat
And then everyone sing

 It's not about the money, money, money
We don't need your money, money, money
We just wanna make the world dance,
Forget about the price tag

Jessie J "Price Tag"

Lift w/ your Legs, Pull w/ your Heart

Ever have someone pull the good out of you?

I was walking Samson and Baxter the other night around 1030 pm. Since Samson is arthritic and old we are not able to walk far, mostly walking a short 1/2 block in front of our unit. Being a densely packed Chicago neighborhood we frequently run into neighbors and people just passing by. I do my best to acknowledge each person with at least a hello or a head nod but after awhile it gets old and I just pretend that the activity of my dog taking a wee takes up my complete attention. Its terrible, I realize.

This particular night I came across an older women and her grown son. She had an accent, not sure where from but my guess would be Poland. I did my normal half grin and nod when she began to carry on about my 2 adorable doggies, 

Polish Lady:

"Oohhh my goodness, these 2 adorable doggies...how old"

 Me:

"This is Samson, he is 14. The other is Baxter and he is 4"

 Polish Lady:

"Ohhh, a lit'l old man... Blusp blah ogin impim"

After 35 years of life, I've learned never to feel bad about asking people to repeat themselves, so confidently I asked

Me:

"What?"

 Polish Lady:

"Blusp balh ogin impin"

Me:

"What?"

 Polish Lady:

"Blusp balh ogin impim....ogin impin...OJ seehmpson"

I slowly realized she was comparing my dog to OJ Simpson. For what reason I have no idea. Samson looks nothing like OJ Simpson and certainly has never killed anyone. I chalked the conversation up to communication breakdown but realized she was coming from a good place and wanted to share her good situation with me......by suggesting my dog resembles a cold blooded killer.

"Listen....I can fart w/ my hands"

Maybe she was drunk, maybe she was crazy but none of that matters because I felt good after chatting with her. I admire her ability to go up to a stranger and chat it up, pulling goodness out of me when all I had aimed to do in that moment was to pick up Samson's ass candy and put it into a plastic sandwich bag. Thanks ole polish lady, you are Tops in my book!

Look into my EyeZ

Transition lenses fascinate me, but what if they start to tint up while you are in the midst a heart to heart and your convo partner is unable to give you proper eye contact? Do you interrupt and ask to stand in the shade?

I do not wear glasses and have anxiety when I put on shades, I'm very sensitive to eye contact.

Transition lenses are an amazing technology, they must be from outer space because they don't appear to be of this planet. One moment you have a normal pair of glasses and then boom! Sun comes out and your irises are comforted as the lenses turn black to protect from UV light. Truly amazing

I think the flaws of this product in the past was the amount of time the lenses needed in order to fully transition. In order to switch the lenses from clear to black you would basically have to stare directly into the sun

"Arghhhh, my eyes!!! They are burning....(Wait, wait). Ok, my tint is on, I'm good."

The cool down transition was an equal problem, people coming in from the sun attempting normal indoor activies looking like Stevie Wonder. The individual would basically need to shut themselves in the coat closet for 5 mins in order for indoor clarity to arrive.

I'm sure the product has improved but knowing myself, if the change wasn't like a flip of a switch, all I'd be doing is obsessing. They say I'm part of the X generation but sometimes I think I'm really part of the, 'I haven't got all minute' Generation

Day 3 of 3.. Pitchfork Music Festival 2011 Chicago is Ova! its been fun and I am exhausted. I am so thrilled with myself that I decided to take today off, I'll be the dude on the beach desperately trying to get sand off my towel and walking into the water up to my wang every 1/2 hour for pee breaks. Happy Beaching!

In a pinch? You can count on Us!

Portable restroom companies hold a tight squeeze on us when it comes to options for outdoor relief.

Being in the event industry I have had the pleasure to peruse and select amongst various outfits who deal w/ the containment and removal of human waste, it is comforting to know that a company has dedicated it's mission statement to deal w/ my wild abandon, my funked up surplus, my Willy Wonka and Dark side of the moon byproduct.

A few of my favorite portable restroom companies:

• Oui Oui. (wee wee)
• Porta-John
• LepreCan
• Life Savers
• Drop Zone w/ Company colors, yellow/brown (my personal favorite, let's call it #1)

Day 2 of 3 at Pitchfork Music Festival 2011 Chicago and the portable restroom scene is pretty clean. I do have to say being a dude with a wang sure helps. Those with Tallys have the benefit of peeing while standing up, my ass remains clean having not rubbed against a seat that has been shared by the following attributes of a stranger:

• Sweaty
• Hairy
• Boil & Pimple
• Dirty w/ grime
• Butts, Butts, Butts

Why hasn't someone invented a lady version for upright peeing? Am I wrong in thinking that this can be done? I am not a master of the female anatomy but certainly have a good idea of how it works for a women.  Yes, I get that it's like a lawn sprinkler down there for you ladies, so I'm thinking a wide curved reservoir that a woman could straddle would handle the unpredictable flow pattern, thus allowing the female one of life's greatest joys, Lettin that River Run.

Come on ladies, if you haven't experience the feeling of upright peeing with hands on hips, you've been missing out.

Stick a Fork in me!

I've been selling encased meat to a hodgepodge of Hipster's for the past 12 hrs, Day 1 of 3 now complete.

Pitchfork Music Festival 2011 Chicago is underway featuring many of today's hip acts ie. Neko Case, James Blake, Cut Copy and a whole slew of bands I've never heard of.

I am operating a small 10 x 20 food booth.

On the menu:

Brats w/ sauerkraut. $5

Farmers Market Veggie Wrap. $5

Pretzel w/ Beer Cheese. $3

Apple strudel w/ ice cream. $3

The festival draws a 18 to 45 demographic. Lots of gals carrying around hula hoops, frolicking in sun dresses. Dudes wearing Ray Bans and sporting manicured grizzly beards. A millennium twist on a 60's love in that puts an emphasis on recycling and living with a "green" consciousness.

2 more days to go, as a self check to determine my mental health status, I will write a few words that come to mind.

• Happy
• Beer
• Hairy
• Sunshine
• Music

This sounds sane to me, I m good!

A highlight of the afternoon was hearing Neko Case during her sound check doing a Robert Palmer parody

"Might as well face it you're addicted to drugs, Might as well face it you're addicted to drugs"

I was sad when I heard Robert Palmer died, that whole mannequin girl guitar backdrop thang he did was fantastic.


Onward to Day #2, Chicago will be hitting highs of 97 degrees & I will have an outdoor perspective of the entire day. Me amongst a sea of intellectual 20 somethings who mismatch clothes and express their identity with an awkwardly placed accessory & mixing fashion eras, for instance, a Jackie O handbag w/ a Xanadu jumpsuit. I'm telling you, its absolutely amazing.