Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts

Monday, August 15, 2011

Big Bird's Stinger



My 6th grade Sex Ed teacher attempted to demonstrate the pubic hair growing regions of men & women using stick figures on a chalkboard.

For the lady bits he drew an upside down triangle and for the dudes he drew a diamond. I don't remember how advanced my diamond was at that particular time but I do remember thinking my diamond needed some work.

Well ladies and gentlemen, I here to say, nearly 20 years later I am still waiting on my lush diamond pube garden to take root, in fact if you'd outline my current state of affairs it would resemble more of a mud hut being struck by a bolt of lightning..........No diamond.

I am so glad my career path didn't take me to a position of a sex ed teacher, I'd be a trembling mess of a teacher.  

 Student:
where do babies come from?

Todd the Sex Ed Teacher:

from your vagina....can you just shut up!
Student:

my boyfriend said condoms are safe, is this true?

Todd the Sex Ed teacher:

where did you come from, are you in the right class.....this is for 5th graders!!  you shouldn't be dating!!!!


ohhh  my gawd.....my childless life is a blanket or a bubble I live in.  I am more than happy to jump in and play a few rounds w/ the kiddos but I am in complete awe of those who spend 24/7 with these youngsters.  I think these tikes hold us accountable not just to raise them correctly but also to lead a productive adult life:

Kiddo:

Dad, why are you peeing into the sink?

Daddio  (ala me if I had kids)

uhhmm, this is an adult privilege, you will also get this as an option when you are an adult and loaded like a freight train!  btw.......having a wang helps.


Birds and the Bee's a simple melody but not in my book, a crook and a bend of a river who sends a shiver down the spine of a healthy sea salt.  Take a breath, set your compass and proceed forward to wherever your nether regions lead you, an island, a shore or a back door of a dude w/ a radio playing a Mercury tune.


Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Cloak my Dagger?



  • Stick on mustache?  Check. 
  • Burberry trench coat? Check 
  • Ray Ban sunglasses? Check. 
  • Official Dog the Bounty Hunter pepper spray? Totalz check!

Yeah, I'm a gonna be a private dick! A lurking detective who gathers information and reconnaissance for a paying client. Wives checkin up on their wandering husbands, husbands reigning in their flirtatious wives, however I'm gonna broaden my market. It can't always be about sex, gotta toss in some drugs and rock n roll too!

Potential Client #1

"Hey jimmy, somones been messin w my guitar again. My e chord is sounding like pig in a chicken plucking machine"

Potential Client #2

"Suzanna, I swear the pharmacy is puttin erection pills in my allergy prescription, I'm constantly in heat gurl!"

I like the idea of being a private detective, to go around and gather tid bits of information. I'm at my best when I have an objective or a goal. I'd incorporate a gimmick, put a lit'l trademark on each of my cases. Like using bubbles to distract people in order to get closer or have a wardrobe of hooker disguises and bait my subjects like Chris Hansen in "To Catch a Predator".

Ive never hired a private detective, are they a dying breed?  Or are they just mysterious and quiet, always there, always lurking, there when you need em or when your banging boots w/ someone else's boots.



So Rad!  I wanna be one!