Take it from the top boys!

why did Hitler make his troops march like ballerinas?

"move it, move it!  point those toes soldiers, really extend those legs, this isn't the circus gentlemen, we're the Nazi's! get out there and show em what we're made of"

If girls are sugar and spice and boys are dirt and tad pole tails, then I think Nazi's must be made of Devil Dandruff, Eunuch testicles and a dash of the United States National Debt......such wicked folk they are.

I have no intention to carry on the Nazi theme so I'll end it right here, I certainly do not want to comment any further on the rise of an insane Dictator, so with that said........moving on!

Official Photo....I'm a fan of vanity.

Michele Bachmann,  who charged up this gal's megaphone? Her street cred is on fire, poll numbers show her gaining on #1 Republican candidate Mitt Romney. I say good for her, I am all about giving everyone an equal voice and embracing each other for our differences.  In order to grow as a human, I say, one must'nt pick flowers from a garden of just one color.

An idol blogger of mine "Bob", posted a Bachmann snip it on his fantastic blog I should be laughing. After reading it, I was reminded how the political process can run away from you and the importance of keeping in touch with your community. While I'm sippin cocktails w/ friends commenting on the shower scene in True Blood, we've got serious political pros working hard to deny me and my parter Aaron rights.

So Let me break it down:  

Bachmann quote #1:

• “It’s part of Satan I think to say that this is “gay.” It’s anything but gay.” — Senator Michele Bachmann, speaking at EdWatch National Education Conference, November 6, 2004.

Bachmann quote #2:

• “And what a bizarre time we’re in, Jan, when a judge will say to little children that you can’t say the pledge of allegiance, but you must learn that homosexuality is normal and you should try it.” — Senator Michele Bachmann, appearing as guest on radio program “Prophetic Views Behind The News”, hosted by Jan Markell, KKMS 980-​AM, March 6, 2004.

Bachmann quote #3:

• “Don’t misunderstand. I am not here bashing people who are homosexuals, who are lesbians, who are bisexual, who are transgender. We need to have profound compassion for people who are dealing with the very real issue of sexual dysfunction in their life and sexual identity disorders.” — Senator Michele Bachmann, on homosexuality as a mental disorder, speaking at EdWatch National Education Conference, November 6, 2004

thank you to The New Civil Rights Movement for the previous information.

 Lets Break it down again, using my quotes:

 Todd quote #1:

• I was born out of a vagina, so was Michele Bachmann I presume.

Todd quote #2:

• Both mine & Michele Bachmann's baby feet touched the same Earth surface at some point.

Todd quote #3:

• I ate baby food, Michele ate baby food. I shat my pants, Michele Bachmann shat her pants.

Todd quote #4:

• School, driving, movie dates and a touch of church remain consistent in both of our lives, at what point did she gain the power to tell me who I should be?

Is she really suggesting that the root of the worlds problems begins with the hokey pokey dance my penis decides to play on a given day?  Gimme a Break! 

More gas, knock me out!

My mouth was brutalized the other day and not in the good way.

a friendly trip to the dentist left me holding a small plastic bag containing a miniature toothpaste & a turquoise rubber handled toothbrush.  No bouncy ball, no box of jacks, no balloon, just a numb swollen jaw and the cold hard reality that my body is falling apart.

This was a standard cleaning w/a scheduled cavity procedure, seems my tooth was rotting underneath a previous filling. After the procedure, I was told this was only a short term fix and that I will need a crown in the not so distant future........ great.

drill baby drill!

my mouth was not designed to stay open for long periods of time, after about 2 minutes, my lips started to dry and a pool of saliva gathered near the back of my throat.....I was basically like Jimi Hendrix, cept I was suffocating on spit, not vomit. 

Don't get me wrong, my doctor is great, positive, nice voice, cute. I think part of what Dentists learn in school is the mastery of one sided conversations because my Dr. was able to talk freely about interesting pop culture & subjects without any input from me, he talked about Cee Lo Green and his current hit "f--- you", told me about his Mexican vacation and how his girlfriend likes to lay on beaches while he would rather visit historic sights, normally I'd love this type of talk but my problem is, i generally have a coment for everything and not being unable to toss out a wise ass statement only adds to my discomfort.

can I also say, Thank Gawd for Novocaine. This stuff is truly amazing, paralyzes nerves so you don't feel squat! Not sure where it comes from, perhaps from a jelly fish or a scorpion stinger but wherever, i'm thankful. I imagine in the old dayz the doctor would just strap my arms and legs down and tell me to enjoy the ride while with squeaky pliers, rip each rotten tooth out one by one. So yes, i am thankful for modern dentistry. my old silver filling drilled and replaced with a lovely white toothlike surface. I am very happy w/ the results, my open mouth smile is returning to its original brilliance. Thank you Dr Matt, thank you! Despite putting your hands in my mouth and drilling me for 45 minutes, I say thank you Sir!

Spf 35 or Abv 8.5

I was sloppy with my sunscreen this past weekend, I now have a Mikhail Gorbachev head spot on my chest

Aaron and I spent some quality time at the beach this past weekend. Doning our Bermuda shorts while toting a bag with Hawaiian towels, sunscreen and a btl of a $4.95 Gato Negro Sauvignon Blanc.

Since the sun was blazing off the screen of my cell phone it was rendered useless and my entertainment value came from the people and sights around me.

"Run forest, ruhnnnn!" Forest Gump 1994

Said a twenty something gal amongst a group of similar lads and lasses next to us. I love a classic movie reference.

"I grabbed the biggest margarita glass, poured 2 beers and drank, pour 2 beers and drank.....I was so wasted!" same girl, probably currently drunk

Eavesdropping on this group of Beach Blanket Madness reminded me of a older lesbian dog walker I happened to over hear talking on her cell phone outside my building.

"I wasn't having a meltdown!  I was Pissed!!"

I have no idea what or who she was talking to but she has a point, there is a difference; either way I thought this statement was hilarious.

Btw. America needs to take some beach attire notes from our European friends. Men's bathing trunks are too large, come on, can we agree to wear Speedoes or at least a small box trunk. Seems to me women's suits have been getting smaller while men's shorts have only gotten larger. This goes for basketball players also.......Stop it! Stop it!

pearl cream, made from real pearls

I was chatting up death with a co worker of mine, we discussed how we wanted our bodies to be disposed of after we die.  Immediately I said i wanna be burnt up and strewn, tossed over some significant spot....hopefully not into the water supply of a nearby village,  although being turned into a pitcher of lemonade wouldn't be so bad.

Aaron and I visited Vienna this past April, part of what we took away was Vienese's facination with death and the healthy celebration that takes place when someone "breaks on through to the other side"  Aaron really picked up on this and wanted to learn more, our brilliant family who escorted us around Vienna accomodated this interest, we saw Mozart's final resting place and other prominent cemetery's of Vienna. I found it interesting that people also included their occupation on their headstone, Lawyers, Doctors, Farmers, we even found one that said "hairsylist to the Emporer" written in german. 

All the Ginas in da house say Hayyy !  

We coupled our cemetery visits w a tour of a mortuary museum, after ringing a doorbell and waiting several minutes, a gingerly man w a pony tail came out to greet us. He began the tour w/ an animated German lecture until our host politely asked if he could deliver an English version.  On a dime, he switched to English and took us on an hour long adventure of death.  we saw caskets, clothing for guards, clothing for widows, we even saw clothing for a horse, death in Vienna is very theatric.  At the end of the tour my aaron asked our guide how he plans to honor his own death, I thought this was an innapropriate question, I would've nudged Aaron in the ribs had I been closer but our sprightly death guide happily answered, giving us the most radical answer. He told us that he is going to have his ashes sent to some outfit in Scandinavia who will then turn them into a 1 carat crystal, using extreme pressure, 16 months & 15 thousand dollars. this company has the ability to turn your remains into a sparkling hard rock of any color...straight up CZ!  from there the options are endless, you can hang from a chain, be put into a setting, worn on a finger, an ear, a belly button.  whatever suits your fancy,  hell, you could bedazzle a jean jacket if you wanted to.

 
Having been a bartender for many years, i've heard some great stories, one of my favorites was an ole lady I would frequently serve.  The bar I worked in was in a high rise building along the Chicago lakefront, offered a front row view of any firework show Chicago had to offer. She was obsessed with fireworks, w/ every bang and boom she would go ooh and ahh. What I didn't know until her daughter told me was that she was actually shopping for the ultimate firework, the one that would eventually carry her remains into the sky.  Romantic I thought, yet slightly disturbing to think we could all be breathing charred old lady remains..... not sure her idea is legal, probably isn't.......but hell, we only die once, let the poor woman go out w/ a bang if she wants.

I've got glitter on my Swagger

"I wear my sunglasses at night.... I turn to her and say:
Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades
oh no.
Don't masquerade with the guy in shades
oh no
I can't believe it!
You got it made with the guy in shades
oh no."

Corey Heart 1984

You have to be pretty rad to get away with wearing your shades past twilight.

Now that the weekend is over, I will be putting my shades away in the drawer. For some reason I feel like the biggest douche-bag wearing sunglasses during my normal workweek schedule. I have no idea why

There are some out there that wear shades all the time, blind people, people with bonk eyes, Cee Lo Green, Bono. They are all cool, I don't have a single prob with them

I guess we all have our security blankets, something that each of us holds onto in order to add comfort to our day. Ie. Cell phones, I pods, books, cigarettes, coffee cups, soduko

When I am behind a pair of shaded frames my mood is relaxed and unfocused. Eye contact with others becomes less important as I am free to scan around while I listen and converse.  Easy breezy however, when life gets real and we needz to get eye to eye on a subject, frames come off and we are lookin into each others soulz.  Realz!

I am currently sporting a pair of Aviator frames w/ lenses that have a graduated tint going from deep brown to clear. I feel very 70's in them. Foxy Brown meets Pee Wee.  Happy Monday!

Just Say Yes!

Aaron and I have neighbors who are trained improv actors.

A happily married 30 something couple with an adorable little girl. We share a back patio w them, terrific people, went as far as to purchase patio furniture that complimented our wrought iron bistro set, keeping the whole look cohesive. They were give the key to our gay lit'l hearts right then & there.

We live in a 9 unit building, during the winter months Aaron and I barely ever see our neighbors, all tucked away nicely in our individual units wrapped up and bundled in wool. When summer months arrive we all come out to play on our back patios, we grill, drink beer and chat it up. It are these moments where we get to learn more about one another.

On one evening aaron and I learned about our neighbors improv background. Improv acting involves getting in front of an audience and just "winging it", you rely on instinct and quick wit, to me this sounds amazingly frightening. To jump on a stage completely bare, no script, with the expectation of humor and razor wit, pulls sweat to my brow in an instant. To hear this couple talk about their craft always holds my attention, I find it fascinating.



I've learned that the # 1 rule in Improv Acting is to always say Yes! If you are working w another actor and they start massaging you with pine cones, then gosh darn it, you love that pine fresh scent. If they suddenly become a Dominatrix swinging an imaginary whip & chain,  then prepare to Man Up and welcome the sex beating you are about to endure.

I like the Never say No always Yes method, I think life could use a bit more of this mentality,

Hey Randy, I've got this buddy w/ a 1992 Camaro that needs some work, will you help me fix it and make it rumble again?

Why, Yes! 


Hey Trudy, this nacho plate was delicious, thank you, however milk products make my stomach turn into knots, can you run to the store and get me some Lactose pills.

Why, Yes!

Rebeka, does this tube top make me look fat?

Why, Yes!

I'm not say we all should turn into Yes men, but I think we could all use a lesson of living in the affirmative a little bit more. Too many NO knee jerk reactions out there. 

Flip the grin & reverse it, Negative Nellies to Positive Pollies Yo!

Cinderella, Snow White & Sleeping Beauty

All three of these ladies got themselves some problems. 

Cinderella: raised by clean freak lesbians & obsessing over 'turnin it out' for the eye of a hot stud.

Snow White:  fag hag to a bunch of midgets & constantly being given date rape drugs

Sleeping Beauty: an Ambian coma addict, who I hear is into rough sex. 

I had a friend Andrew, who sang a pretty tune every time one of those teen angst television programs came on ie. Dawson's Creek, The OC, Beverely Hills 90210. 

"Problems....Pretty kids with Problems"

A simple melody but a statement strong in meaning. How am I supposed to feel bad for 90210's Dylan when he's loaded rich, chiseled jaw, perfect Tom Cruise hair, plus he's driving a vintage Porsche convertible.  Me says Please!

Yeah, problems are not reserved for the weak and fair. Everybody has problems yet everyone's load/tolerence is different.

"Hey, netflix sent me the wrong movie....assholes"

"my cousin tammy just got laid off, no more free car washes for this amigo"

"That tornado just blew down my house and I am left with f+@k"

yeah, me got problems also! 

• My fellow commuter buddies who wear polyester shirts don't realize they smell like funk N play 
• my dog Samson w/ his arthritic rear legs requires me to carry him up and down stairs forcing me to touch his wet wang 
• I've got a 3 digit cable/internet bill and a bank account about to go on strike.  

Beat that Cinderella, Beat that Ms White!  All you pretty gals w/ Handsome Princes on horseback waiting in the wings, gimme a break. Tell me a real Fairy Tale!